i'm shelley and i probably love you.

The Myth of Effortless Beauty

2012-01-22T19:40:00.000-08:00

This happened on my facebook today:

I posted this status as a sort of tongue-in-cheek remark 1) about how I'm too lazy/cold to bother shaving my legs and 2) in sarcasm about the stereotype that men and women "let themselves go" upon marriage. However, I was particularly interested in the three men who declared my status as "TMI." As any good philosopher would do, I thought of other similar hypotheticals and how one might react. I ended up with the postulate that if a man bragged about Movemeber, he would not receive a response of "TMI." If he posted about shaving his legs, he would probably just be called gay (which is another topic on misandry and inherent homophobia in social constructs of masculinity entirely). I guess I missed the memo that women shouldn't publicly talk about shaving their legs. So this got me doing some research.

What I discovered what a social phenomenon called effortless beauty. This essentially says that women should always be socially attractive and presentable and hide the effort behind it. It comes from the idea that women's bodies are inherently obscene, and much more so than men's (E.G. why it's okay for men to go topless in public and not women). And because her body is obscene and is yet required to meet the beauty standards of her society, she must not discuss how she manipulates her body to meet those standards.

I also think the TMI could come from the fact that I haven't shaved my legs in almost a month and therefore don't currently meet standards of attractiveness. We live in a culture where it is expected that women be objectified by society, even if there are men who consciously don't objectify them (which, by the way, there are). We dehumanize women by compartmentalizing them into body parts. We live in a culture where society somehow has a right to the objectification of women (see: victim blaming and catcalling), even if a large population of men necessarily don't. When a woman chooses not to shave her legs (or smile when a man asks her, or conform to weight standards, or says "no" when a man asks for sex), she is infringing on society's right to objectify her. It's being taken for granted that it's totally okay for society to put women on a pedestal when the women do conform to their standards of physicality. And only when that is taken for granted is it wrong for women to infringe of society's rights of objectification.

My husband also pointed out that because I am married, I am no longer sexually available to any other men, which is another way I (and other monogomously married women) infringe on men's rights to objectify.

I had a friend who waxed her upper lip and chin and was mortified to let anyone know she did that. She (and so many other women) fall into this idea that the people around us have a right to our attractiveness and a right not to know how it got there. Thus, the myth of effortless beauty.

Which is why (some) men don't want to hear about a woman not shaving her legs.

I can see why this post could be construed as anti-man, but I'd like to here offer that my brand of feminism (and that of many, many other feminists) doesn't see men as the enemy. Rather, the enemy is the false and harmful social constructs of masculinity and femininity to which we are bound. However, I do think it's interesting that those who called my status "TMI" are men.

Some thoughts on the Occupy protests

2011-11-21T14:34:00.000-08:00

I'm empathetic toward the cause of the Occupy protesters and those who support them. I really am. To say that there isn't greed and corruption in large corporations and that these corporations don't have rich lobbyists paying off Congresspersons is a blatant falsehood. I get it. I really do.

But setting up camp isn't going to help anything.

Protests are used for awareness. That is their purpose. To let the public know, "Hey, this is going on, we don't think it's cool, and you shouldn't either." I think the Occupy protesters have done a pretty good job achieving this goal. I would venture to guess that everyone, even those apathetic to current events, know that there are people camping out in various parts of the country to protest something having to do with wealth disparity. So why are they still there? It bothers me when I see facebook friends complaining about how the police and city officials are making protesters leave, saying that their First Amendment rights are being violated, when some research into why they are actually being forced to leave yields actual violations of the law: usually illicit drug use, public intoxication, and sexual assault (there was one group I read about which asked persons who had been sexually assaulted to not report it to the police, which made me sick). Now, are the police crossing the line by using unnecessary force to remove protesters in some cities? Probably. I won't deny that.

I think the biggest question those who support the Occupy cause should ask themselves is what to do next. I propose a few things: there are enough supporters that if everyone chipped in money, they could buy a fair amount of stock in a company which would give them a fair vote in who is on the board of directors for that company. Or they could hire lobbyists to petition Congress in their favor. That is how you change a corporation. Protesting, at this point, does nothing.

With all that being said, I'd like to add here that I am a capitalist. I think the best economic system is one that rewards hard work, efficiency, personal responsibility, and ingenuity. My generation has a huge problem with entitlement. We are the generation of participation ribbons and "everyone is a winner." We like to believe that we are entitled to high-paying, low-labor jobs. I see this entitlement in both sides: in the Occupy supporters and in those who do have opportunity handed to them without work. I think the real change that needs to happen is a shift from entitlement to responsibility in the collective of selves of this country.

How to Not Feel Terrible

2011-11-03T21:41:00.000-07:00

So this morning at 6:30, I drove to Nathan's. We had plans to hike up to the hot springs (a 6 mile hike roundtrip) to enjoy the hot water and each other's company. By the time we parked the car at the trailhead, I wasn't feeling well at all. I had to stop and take a break a few times during the hike up, which I've never had to do before, just to catch my breath. I was freezing and generally felt terrible. When we got up to the springs, we couldn't find a pool that was a good balance between not warm at all and molten lava hot, so we ended up soaking for like half an hour. As I stood up to leave, I immediately felt like I needed to throw up. Nathan gave me a blessing, and we walked back to the car with me stopping along the way.

Afterwards, I fell asleep on Nathan's couch for 5 hours.

Rather than actually being sick, I think my irregular sleeping patterns, lack of sleep in general, horrible eating habits, and overall stress levels have caught up with me. So today was kind of a wake up call that I need to start taking better care of myself in order to feel better, so I present:

Shelley's 7 steps to not feel terrible (and actually pretty good)
-Go to bed and wake up at the same time every week day. In bed at 11 and up at 7, which makes for 8 hours.
-Eat breakfast everyday. A granola bar on the walk to campus does not count. Waking up at 7 (my first class is at 9) should allow plenty of time to eat breakfast.
-A veggie and a protein with every meal, and making sure this happens in variety.
-Instead of focusing on not eating junk, focus on eating healthy snacks.
-Read the Scriptures and pray every day.
-Yoga every day.
-Prioritize what needs to be done every day and stick to those priorities to keep from feeling overwhelmed.

Plans

2011-10-24T11:24:00.000-07:00

So, many numerous updates since the last post.

I am no longer double majoring in Philosophy and Journalism. I decided the Communications department was more trouble working with than it is worth, so I dropped that major, officially declared my Logic minor, and I'm working on my application to graduate in April with a Philosophy degree. This semester I'm only taking three classes: Statistics, Accounting, and Thai. The first two are for preparation for a possible business school future, and the third is mostly for fun.

Also, this probably isn't news to anyone who probably reads this, but I've been engaged for about three weeks. Here's the whole story:

Nathan and I had been in each other's peripheral vision since April of this year. A mutual friend of ours was live-blogging General Conference via Facebook statuses, and we both joined in. I sent him a friend request, he added me, and we occasionally chatted/commented on each other's posts for a number of months. I told Nathan about a week before coming to Provo that I wanted to hang out. We went and got lunch my first Saturday back in Provo, were both thoroughly awkward, but continued to talk/see each other. It wasn't long after that we both realized that we really, really liked each other. We were both very attracted to each other's intellectual pursuit, bibliophilia, and nerdy humor, among many other things. And then we realized that this is what happens when you find the person you're supposed to marry. So on a Tuesday morning, sitting in my car outside of the Provo Temple after we spent time inside, he asked me to marry him. And I said yes. And then we sat there, enjoying the surrealness of it all, asking each other, "so, did that really just happen?"

We are getting married on December 28th in the Dallas, Texas Temple.

I think the biggest thing I've learned this year isn't the best door approach when tracting, or how to calm down an angry patient on the phone, or how to calculate z-scores in statistics. The biggest thing I've learned this year is that Heavenly Father allows us to experience really difficult things, including huge changes of seemingly faultless plans, so we know how to appreciate the things He gives us instead. And He always manages to pull through with things we didn't know would be better.

Most of all, I'm so glad to have learned through experience that God plans things according to a wider paradigm than my own.

Ah, Provo

2011-08-24T10:33:00.000-07:00

So I've been in Provo for officially more than a week. There was a lot of hassle/anxiety last week with trying to find somewhere to live and being homeless over the weekend, but looking back I can see at least 2 good things that came out of that homelessness. One of these days I'll be able to consistently keep the perspective that future retrospection always yields recognition of blessings and mercy during difficult times. I'm living in an apartment 2 blocks from campus (yes!) for a little more than I wanted to pay, but it's newly renovated, so I won't complain too much. Apparently the management is awful, which I've already sort of experienced, but I'll make a conscious effort to stay out of their way and need as little as possible from them.

I am so ready to start classes/work on Monday. I might be an editor for Aporia, BYU's student philosophy journal, this semester. So I'll be doing that for 5 hours and TAing logic for 15 hours a week. And 3 classes. This semester is pretty much going to be awesome.

My plans this week pretty much include some odds and ends getting ready for school, sitting by the pool reading, going to the Temple, and hanging out with a new friend.

Thank you, Provo, for your existence, your fabulous school, and the wonderful people inside of you.

Also, 22nd birthday in 13 days. Woo!

Counting Down

2011-07-31T21:07:00.000-07:00

I spend way too much of my time counting down.

Counting down until school starts. Counting down until my last day of school. Counting down until I leave for Washington. Counting down until I get on a plane back home. Counting down until he gets home. Counting down until...okay you get it.

I think this is because I'm never satisfied with the present. I've acknowledged this and am trying to get better at it. At any given point in time, we only have one present. It is logically impossible to make the present move any faster, so why can't I appreciate it more?

Tonight I was trying to appreciate the present. It was a nice Sunday night, I was hanging out in my pajamas doing productive things like laundry and cleaning my bathroom. For a while I was enjoying myself, but then I lost focus and found myself dwelling on, "Only 5 more days of work and I'm done. Tomorrow is my last Monday. Just one more Monday to get through."

Counting down seems to be my default with my present-enjoying being a conscious decision. I really am trying to figure out how to switch the two. I've been good lately with spending my evenings after work doing things I enjoy rather than dreading another day of work coming up. I know that my current phase of counting down until Utah will only ultimately yield in more counting down until something else after I get there. Or maybe I can make my pre-fall semester countdown my last.

30 Days in Pictures: Day Twenty

2011-07-02T07:31:00.000-07:00

Day Twenty – A picture of somewhere you’d love to travel

This is Powell's Books in Portland, Oregon. It takes up an entire city block. This would entertain me more than any beach or foreign country.

The girl who read about the boy who lived

2011-06-30T20:29:00.001-07:00

So I'm finally joining the human race.

I'm reading Harry Potter.

I got the first two books super cheap from half.com a while back. I wanted to wait until I finished The Hunger Games to start them. I just finished the first book, and I wish I would have done this sooner. I remember the first book coming out when I was in 5th grade, getting on the waiting list at the library, but being super ADD and not being able to get past the first 10 pages. I feel kind of let down since I already know some of the big plot twists, but I'm excited to read them nonetheless. I've already ordered books 3 and 4 from half.com, and I'm starting on book 2 tonight.

"The trouble is, humans do have a knack of choosing precisely those things that are worst for them." Oh Dumbledore, you could narrate my year.

30 Days in Pictures: Day Nineteen

2011-06-30T18:42:00.000-07:00

Day Nineteen – A picture and a letter

Or how about a picture of 74 letters...

Every letter Brad wrote me on his mission.

30 Days in Pictures: Day Eighteen

2011-06-28T19:37:00.000-07:00

Day Eighteen – A picture of your biggest insecurity

My number one task at work is to answer the phone. Let me tell you about how much I hate answering the phone at work. Somewhere there is this rule that allows people to be rude to strangers over the phone, and somewhere, maybe in the same rule book, there is a rule that allows people to treat medical receptionists like crap. Combine those rules and you get the worst anxiety you've ever felt upon hearing a phone ring.

30 Days in Pictures: Day Seventeen

2011-06-27T18:57:00.000-07:00

Day Seventeen – A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently

This is the view of Snoqualmie Valley in Duvall, Washington. I spent 3 months here. Most of my mission. I'm still trying to process exactly how my mission affected me and what I want to take from the whole experience. Some days I wake up and think, "I should still be in Washington wearing a black name tag and knocking on doors." I still can't shake the ever-present sense of failure that came complimentary with my plane ticket home. But that's not how I want to see my mission. I want to remember the good memories and the people I helped and the things I learned. I'm hoping that eventually I will get to a place where I can do that. I hope my 4 months in Washington will follow me gently through the rest of my life as a learning experience instead of a giant what-if and should-have.

30 Days in Pictures: Day Sixteen

2011-06-26T17:56:00.000-07:00

Day Sixteen – A picture of someone who inspires you

Emmeline Blanche Woodward Harris Whitney Wells. Mormon. Suffragist. Sister wife. Feminist. Editor of the Women's Exponent. Relief Society President from 1910 to 1921. I plan on naming my first born daughter after her.
_________________

Things have been super crazy recently. I keep waiting for this year to produce less awfulness but the total aggregate suck only seems to be increasing. I have 6 more weeks of a job that slowly eats at my soul, I'm kicking myself for not pursuing EFY counselor contracts, and I'm in the middle of a bunch of baby mama drama with BYU admissions and trying to get the communications department to let me take a class I need and et cetera. HOWEVER each day is one day closer to when I will be in Provo doing things I enjoy, like TAing logic and being a student and not getting yelled at for needing to reschedule patient's appointments to September. Which, beeteedubs, is probably somewhere in between watching kittens drown and having lit bamboo shoots shoved under your toenails on the fun scale. So, yeah, 6 weeks. You can do anything for 6 weeks, right? Right?... At least I love the people I work with.

I've been consciously trying to do things recently that I enjoy and destress me. I've really gotten into taking baths this summer, which is weird because I've never enjoyed taking baths since I was like 9. But I got a ton of stuff from Lush a while back and some bath stuff from Bath and Body. I am now a serious bath advocate.

Reading. I bought a Kindle this summer because my love for fiction has started taking over my life and I really don't need any more books to figure out how to move around. Right now I'm working on the Hunger Games series (in the 3rd book, but taking my time because I've heard it isn't as good at the first 2), and I decided to join the human race and read Harry Potter.

I also discovered that I. love. pedicures. I had my first ever pedicure on my mission of all places and have since become addicted. Spa/mall pedicures are crazy expensive, but yesterday I decided to try out a local beauty school and it was wonderful. She spent an entire hour and it only cost me $13 plus tip.

I've been trying out natural methods to manage my anxiety and overall suckiness, including St. John's Wort, Kava, and private yoga lessons. I notice the Kava making more of a difference than the SJW, and yoga is pretty awesome.

I have a Jeffrey R. Holland quotation written on a piece of paper taped on my desk:

"If we constantly focus only on the stones in our mortal path, we will almost surely miss the beautiful flower or cool stream provided by the loving Father who outlined our journey. Each day can bring more joy than sorrow when our mortal and spiritual eyes are open to God's goodness. Joy in the gospel is not something that begins only in the next life. It is our privilege now."

This whole entire year has been pretty much nothing short of awful, but what helps is knowing that skies can't always be gray and so many things are only on their way to getting better.

30 Days in Pictures: Day Fifteen

2011-05-24T18:05:00.000-07:00

Day Fifteen – A picture of something you want to do before you die

Run a marathon.
______________________

This year is proving to be ~~one of~~ the most complicated yet. Coming home from a mission and having my BYU application appeal denied and having to fill out a million petitions for evening classes and the communications department and everyone else my age graduating and running away from plans I thought were faultless.

Dang.

30 Days in Pictures: Day Fourteen

2011-04-21T16:44:00.000-07:00

Day Fourteen – A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without

Brad got home from his mission yesterday. I got to talk to him on the phone last night for 45 minutes. It was pretty much the best 45 minutes of my life in, oh, I don't know, about 2 years.

30 Days in Pictures: Day Thirteen

2011-04-06T18:40:00.000-07:00

Day Thirteen – A picture of your favorite band or artist

I first saw The Bouncing Souls live when I was 14. The summer after my freshman year of high school, I traveled back to where I used to live in Georgia to go to Warped Tour with my friends. I originally got to the stage to see Anti-Flag and ended up seeing The Bouncing Souls before them. I fell in love. They've been my favorite band for almost 7 years. And in case you're wondering, my favorite song is Night On Earth.

Passed some time walking around
looking for something to be
when I stopped to look around
all the music was different to me
All these places we used to go
when I loved you I didn't see
I'll miss you but now I'll know
better next time because I found me

30 Days in Pictures: Day Twelve

2011-04-04T19:35:00.000-07:00

Day Twelve – A picture of something you love

True fact: doing a Google image search for chocolate cheesecake will trigger cravings like nobody's business. Lucky for me, I will be going to Cheesecake Factory this Saturday to celebrate my sister in law's birthday.

30 Days in Pictures: Day Eleven

2011-04-03T12:05:00.000-07:00

Day Eleven - A picture of something you hate

I did a google image search for "passive aggressive" and this came up. Passive aggression is my absolute least favorite rhetorical tool. It adds nothing to an argument other than hostility and condescension. Working as a medical receptionist, I get a lot of people who call and say things like, "well I guess I'm a patient of Dr. So-and-So, but he hasn't called me back so I must not be too important" or "well it just seems like he doesn't want me as his patient anymore." When people say things like that I want to reach through the phone and poke them in the eyes.

(You might have noticed that I skipped day 10. I did that in purpose. The day 10 prompt was stupid and I do what I want.)

30 Days in Pictures: Day Nine

2011-03-30T20:48:00.000-07:00

Day Nine – A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most

I'm bad at updating. See day two.

30 Days in Pictures: Day Eight

2011-03-17T18:42:00.001-07:00

Day Eight – A picture that makes you laugh

...yep.

30 Days in Pictures: Day Seven

2011-03-15T15:29:00.000-07:00

Day Seven – A picture of your most treasured item

Maybe this is really cliche. This was a difficult one, and I had to think really hard about it. I thought of taking a picture of my bookshelf because of how much I love books, but realized that books don't count as one item. So I tried to think of the book that I've read the most and means the most to me. I came up with my Scriptures. I've had this set since my 16th birthday. The binding is falling apart, a lot of pages are bent, and some pages are still stuck together from the time I accidentally spilled milk on them one day in seminary. But even with all the wear and tear, I refuse to get a new set because of all of the notes and highlighted passages and love I've put into these.

30 Days in Pictures: Day Six

2011-03-14T19:22:00.000-07:00

Day Six – A picture of a person you’d love to trade places with for a day

This is Sarah. She does really cool things, other than just winning poker games. She tends to be a magnet for fascinating people (why do you think she's friends with me) and does things like spend 5 years in religious cultures radically different than her own and supports her siblings in Miss California pageants.

30 Days in Pictures: Day Five

2011-03-11T16:33:00.000-08:00

Day Five - A picture of your favorite memory

Presented: a bunch of Mormons and a bunch of Evangelicals eating dinner at Chili's in/near La Mirada, California. In November of 2009, my friends and I took a trip to BIOLA University for the National Mormon/Evangelical Student Dialogue Conference. This was the first thing that came to mind when I thought of my favorite memory; the whole thing: the drive there, the people I was with, the conference, the people I met, the food I ate, and even the ridiculous wait at Chili's for a ticket split about 20 ways.

30 Days in Pictures: Day Four

2011-03-09T16:45:00.000-08:00

Day Four – A picture of your night

I think whoever wrote this 30 day thing expected people to answer this one with pictures of late-night escapades with friends, but I am a boring person who does boring things at night like sleep.

30 Days in Pictures: Day Three

2011-03-08T09:28:00.000-08:00

Day Three – A picture of the cast from your favorite show

Since "show" isn't specified, I decided to interpret it fairly loosely. This is Ira Glass. He hosts the weekly NPR radio show, This American Life. I first fell in love with TAL 2 Novembers ago when some friends and I were travelling via minivan to southern California, and one member of our group had some episodes on her ipod. The show tells the not-so-regular stories of regular people. Sometimes they're funny, sometimes they're heartbreaking, sometimes they're moving. You can subscribe to This American Life podcasts for free on itunes. You won't regret it.

30 Days in Pictures: Day Two

2011-03-07T14:27:00.000-08:00

Day Two – A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest

Brad and I, circa April 2009. This picture was taken a few days before he left on his mission. We've been best friends for over 4 years, and, sometimes when I really think about it, it's crazy that two people so similar happened to exist in the same place and time.

30 Days in Pictures: Day One

2011-03-06T20:22:00.000-08:00

So I have a lot of facebook friends doing this, and I remember this being popular on blogs a while ago, so I'm jumping on the bandwagon late and doing it, too.

Day One – A picture of yourself with ten facts

1. I've been a vegetarian for 7 years.
2. I have an unusually large space between my big toes and my 2nd toes.
3. I could live in flip-flops year-round.
4. I love scarves.
5. Chocolate chip cookies are my biggest weakness.
6. For some reason, I've felt this overwhelming urge the last few days to clean out all of my stuff.
7. I am a former EFY counselor, and I would love more than anything to do EFY again this summer.
8. If I could change one thing about my college career, I wish I would have settled on one major and taken fewer classes a semester, as well as taken more classes on subjects that just interested me.
9. The only pet my family has ever had was a parakeet.
10. I broke my collar bone in 7th grade by riding my bike into a parked car.

True Fact

2011-03-01T22:27:00.000-08:00

I've been in love with poetry slams since I was 17, but I've never had the guts to participate in one.

I found this wonderful gem tonight.

Aquinas Revistited

2011-02-25T15:35:00.000-08:00

So I'm not one to be a fan of logical arguments for the existence of God. I think I stand with Kierkegaard in thinking that God's God-ness is an objective truth which we access subjectively. However, I was thinking about this last night when I was trying to fall asleep. I don't see this argument as so much a "therefore, God exists, QED" as much as a "therefore, it's reasonable to entertain the possibility."

So it seems like the argument against God's existence tends to include one general premise: we have no evidence for the existence of God, and (if we take "God" as the God written about in the Bible) we in fact have empirical evidence against His existence. There seems to be an implied premise which goes along with this. Things as they really are must correspond with the way we experience our, perhaps relative, reality. This premise, I think, is something to dispute.

Here's my argument: If God (in the way God is characterized in the Bible) exists, then we must come to know God through faith. Faith, by definition, requires one to believe something which does not correspond with that person's relative reality. Would it not make sense, then, if one must come to know God through faith, that He would create us to experience reality differently than He does? If this is the case, then the argument that God can't exist because His existence is inconsistent with the way we experience reality doesn't stand.

This argument can't be a formal argument because it leads to the fallacy of affirming the consequent, which is why it shouldn't be taken as a "therefore, God exists" kind of ontological argument. However, it seems to be shifting the burden of proof from the side of the believers to the side of nonbelievers.

Oh hai

2011-02-20T21:44:00.000-08:00

So I'm not entirely sure if anyone reads this much anymore (due to my lack of updating and lack of substantial posts), but what the heck. I like writing for writing's sake, even if it goes unread.

So I've been home from my mission for about a month. Long, complicated story short, I was sent home on a medical release due to unforeseen issues with anxiety. I met with a counselor from LDS Family Services while I was on my mission, but the advice given to me by him (and a plethora of others) didn't seem to cure my problems. The physical effects of the anxiety (nausea, headaches, body aches, trouble sleeping) made it difficult to be an effective missionary. Honestly, the decision to come home was a hard, yet necessary, decision to make. I'm still trying to process exactly how my mission affected me. On one hand, I learned a lot about my weaknesses. On the other, this whole situation has left me with two prominent emotions: guilt and failure. I guess the good (and bad) of it is that it can only get better from here.

One of the biggest things to have to deal with is the extreme change of plans. I'm home. This is the first time of my life (since I was 4, at least), that it has been a school year and I haven't been in school. I find myself feeling awkward and out of place on weekday mid-mornings, thinking I need to be in a class or in the library.

I've spent the last 2 weeks trying to find a job, and was offered a job with a doctor for whom I used to work. He's moving to a larger building and they need more office staff. A woman in my ward babysits his kids and told him I needed a job, and he had his office manager hire me. So I'll be doing front desk work there. Huge, huge, huge blessing.

I also am determined to finally get my driver's license (or driver license, as they are known in Texas) within the next few months. I don't know how I didn't connect the dots earlier, but driving brings me a great deal of anxiety; I'm positive that I'm going to kill myself or my passengers or another driver or blow up the world or something whenever I drive. I previously attributed that to inexperience, but it seems to be caused by something more complex. But that's something to get over.

I'll be returning to BYU this fall. I'm really looking forward to that. I'm thirsting for my student routine. For classes and campus food and TAing logic.

And then there's Brad. He gets home (home for him is Colorado) on April 20th. I don't know if he'll be flying to Texas or if I'll be flying to Colorado, or how long he'll/I'll stay, or what we'll be doing. But if there's one thing that my mission has taught me, it's that even the best-made and well-intentioned plans have a way of sometimes going horribly, heart-breakingly wrong.

Today in Sunday School we were talking about the miracles Christ performed. One of my favorite miracles is Jesus walking on water. I think that fact that He walked on water isn't as much of a miracle as was the fact that He saved Peter despite his lack of faith. On my mission, I read about 75% of Jesus the Christ. This paragraph in which Talmage explains the situation stuck out to me:

Into every adult human life come experiences like unto the battling of the storm-tossed voyagers with contrary winds and threatening seas; ofttimes the night of struggle and danger is far advanced before succor appears; and then, too frequently the saving aid is mistaken for a greater terror. As came unto Peter and his terrified companions in the midst of turbulent waters, so comes to all who toil in faith, the voice of the Deliverer--"It is I; be not afraid."

So that's my life right now. I'm going into my new job tomorrow to see the new building and to be psuedo-trained. I'm ready to kiss this month-long streak of unproductivity a great big adiós.

I love my ukulele

2010-09-20T15:35:00.000-07:00

But not as much as I love 19th century Mormon pioneer hymns.

August

2010-08-31T13:52:00.000-07:00

So it's officially less than a month until I report to the MTC. Up until this point, excitement has seemed to exponentially outweigh nervousness, but the reality of the ever-approaching September 29th has caused the side of nervousness to catch up. Still so much to do. The good news is that Chelise and possibly a couple other friends will be driving me from the airport to the MTC. I received my flight itenerary yesterday, and I have about 2 hours in between landing and needing to report, so I have time to see a few familiar faces before I get thrown into who-even-kn0ws-what.

But when I step back and think about how I've always wanted to serve a mission and why I want to be a missionary, I regain perspective and the excitement, once again, grows.

I quit my job last week. For the first time for a reason other than moving. I couldn't tolerate how I was being treated by management. I've gotten used to not being appreciated for going above and beyond my job description, but I started to be accused of not doing my job by one manager in particular. His attitude began to affect my ability to make money; he started cutting my shifts and putting me in bad sections. I tried to communicate my concerns to the other managers, but they didn't care to help. So I quit. And it was one of the best decisions I've made all summer. Being a logic TA and working with and for wonderful people kind of spoiled me, I think. I'm really missing that.

I was asked to teach the Stake's home study seminary class on Wednesday nights, just until I leave and they can get a permanent teacher. I'm only teaching 3 kids, and 2 of them have learning disabilities. I'm a little nervous about that because I really want to make the class interesting and fun for them. I realized at EFY how much I love teaching teenagers. I'm really glad I get to do this.

Speaking of EFY, I really miss/love these kids:

SA01: Agents Unto Ourselves

SA02: Through the Red Sea

SA03: Chosen

My birthday is on Monday. 21-years-old. A ton of family is coming from all over the place for the weekend. And I get Mellow Mushroom.

July

2010-07-26T20:31:00.000-07:00

EFY = phenomenal. I feel like my stories from EFY aren't really interesting to anyone but me, so I'll spare you.

Working at Purple Cow = less than phenomenal, but it's money, so I can't complain too much.

Preparing for a mission = fun/exciting/making me realize how much I need to do. I want to memorize all of the scripture mastery from seminary and learn a bunch of hymns on the piano perfectly and study Preach My Gospel and the missionary library and finish my Book of Mormon blog and make sure I have the clothes to make me a classy missionary. So far, so good. I got letters from two sister missionaries in Brad's mission, and both of them told me how you dress is really important. So I've made sure that as I've been buying clothes, I've kept conservative and cute in mind. Clothing haul is as follows:

White blazer
Neutral rain coat, good for Washington weather
Plain brown dress
4 short sleeve button ups: 2 white, one pink, one blue
5 cardigans, 3 of which are Lands End and were originally $40 each but we got on sale for $10 each.
2 pairs of shoes, one black and one brown
Fabric for skirts and another blazer

I'd like two get maybe 2 more blouses and a few solid shirts from Shade to wear under my cardigans. All of my skirts are pretty dark/neutral colors, and I'm making a point of getting a lot of brightly colored tops. I'm also in the market for some conservative jewelry.

My mom mentioned earlier this evening that she never would have thought I would have been so excited to wear a mid-calf-length skirt, a cardigan, and my hair in a bun. But hey, it's not the messenger I'm excited about, it's the message.

Meanwhile, back on the ranch...

2010-06-23T19:00:00.000-07:00

I don't write in my blog the same way my friends do. I remember in high school when Xanga was super popular and everyone wrote about every time they ate or went to school or blew their nose.

Anyway.

I won't be doing that, but I will finally write about things I've been doing in my life recently.

I'm back home in Texas. I flew home on Saturday. I spent the better part of last week trying to squeeze as much friend time as I could in between studying for/taking finals, packing, and cleaning. On Friday night, I invited a bunch of my friends to Guru's for a psuedo-going away party. I remember looking around at one point when there were three different conversations going on around me (one on faith vs. reason, one on the best places to get sweet potato fries in Provo, and one on something I forgot), and realized how glad I was to have figure out how to surround myself with such a great group of people for a year of my life.

That night, Sarah, Chelise, and Hannah came over, we made pangea bed (ask Hannah), and they drove me to the airport the next morning. I really don't like the idea of "best" friends, but if I had to pick, I'd say these 3 people are my best friends.

I feel like each one of these people brings out a different part of me that I really like. Chelise brings out my intellectual philosopher, Sarah brings out my genuine spiritualness, and Hannah brings out my poolside-laying-chick-lit-reader. As much as I wish I could have been friends with them longer than just a year(ish), I'm glad they all became my friends around the same time.

So I did my Temple Recommend interviews on Saturday and Sunday, and I'll be going to the Dallas Temple for my own endowments this Saturday. I'm really excited.

I got my job at Purple Cow back, so I'll be waiting tables again this summer in between EFY sessions. My first day back was today. We hit way over projection, and we had 4 servers on what should have been a 6 server lunch. But I made bank, so I can't complain. Living rent free+free food+depositing around $400 in cash every week=moneyyyyyy.

I report to the Provo MTC to prepare to serve in the Washington Everett Mission on September 29th. Yesterday, my mom and I went shopping, and I got some pretty cute tops and a nice rain coat. I had to make myself pass up the cute earrings which I probably wouldn't get any use out of on my mission, anyway. This summer I'm going to try to get through the Book of Mormon twice, learn a bunch of hymns on the piano to be able to play them without practice, and rememorize all of the seminary scripture mastery. I also want to finish my Blogging the Book of Mormon blog...which hasn't had a whole lot of activity lately.

That's pretty much my life. There will be a test later.

Why EFY holds a special place in my heart

2010-06-10T19:07:00.000-07:00

So I'm going to be an EFY counselor this summer. There probably aren't enough adjectives in your Oxford English to describe my level of excitement. I only went to EFY once as a teenager, but once was enough to make me want to come back as a counselor. However, I've discovered that many people don't share my same enthusiasm for EFY. No, that's putting it lightly. The reply I get when I tell my friends that I'm going to be an EFY counselor is often much the same: an eye roll coupled with some scathing remarks about teenagers, laced with the pretentious attitude of, "well, I can see how those of baser interests could find that interesting."* I'm pretty good at moving on, but only after some passive-aggressive remark about why they're wrong.

What I really want to say is this:

Teenagers take themselves way too seriously, and if there's any category of people who should be allowed as much license to have fun as possible, it should be teenagers. This is what EFY is so good at bringing out. You take a bunch of self-conscious kids growing up in a world that teaches them to be self-conscious, and you play silly games with them or tell jokes they wouldn't dare let any of their friends at school know they think are funny. This is so important, especially for teenage girls. The level of fun and goofing off you get at EFY is so important for teenage girls because it leaves no room for, one, judging other girls, and two, comparing yourself to other girls. These, in my opinion, are two of the most self-destructive activities teenage girls can take part in.
It makes the Gospel relevant. Take young 20-somethings, let them teach the Gospel to teenagers, the teenagers in turn teach it to each other, and all of a sudden it makes sense to them why it's important and how it affects their lives.
There really is a spirit at EFY. Sure, it gets a bad wrap for its blatant emotionalism, but teenagers really aren't as stupid as we sometimes like to assume them to be. They get the Spirit and they understand how to feel God, if you just teach them how. I have a sticky note on the cover of my EFY handbook with this great quotation by J. Reuben Clark: "[Youth] are hungry for the things of the Spirit; they are eager to learn the Gospel, and they want it straight, undiluted...You do not have to sneak up behind them and whisper religion in their ears; you can bring these truths out openly."

*Read in a snooty British accent for full effect.

Even though I haven't grown a foot or two...

2010-05-10T17:35:00.000-07:00

So I had my final interview with my stake president yesterday, and my mission papers are officially in.

I honestly don't think I've ever been more excited for anything in my life.

2010-05-07T13:59:00.001-07:00

When I was little, I wanted a dog. But after thinking about it long enough, I would always decide that I didn't want one because I would be too sad when he died.

I think this is why falling in love scares me to death.

Dandelions

2010-04-25T22:47:00.001-07:00

When I was four years old, my preschool teacher was Mrs. J. I don't remember a whole lot else from preschool, but I remember that blue and yellow makes green. I remember that you can make play dough out of flour and water. And I remember the dandelions.

When it was warm enough outside, we spent time playing in Mrs. J's backyard. (She was usually inside, as I remember it, making play dough out of flour and water.) There were patches of dandelions next to her old wooden fence. My four-year-old mind did not consider these dandelions weeds. My four-year-old hands did not hold them as if they were valueless. I remember noticing the juxtaposition of the bright yellow petals next to the deep green of the grass. I remember examining many of them individually, how some of them had more petals than others, how some of the petals curled in while others stuck straight out, how some of the petals criss-crossed, how some of the stems courageously brought the flowers almost up to my four-year-old knees while others kept the flowers safely close to the ground. These were not weeds; they were art.

We would often pick these dandelions in large numbers and take our bouquets inside. We would proudly present them to Mrs. J. I remember her bringing out small paper cups, filling them part way with water, placing the dandelions in them, and putting them on the window sill in her kitchen to enjoy the sun. The dandelions weren't weeds to her, either.

Christ sees me like I saw dandelions as a child. I am not a weed. I am something He notices the individuality of, something He gathers, something He presents to others in a way for them to appreciate. He sees beauty where others cannot.

16 years later, it's Spring in Provo. I often walk past front yards filled with dandelions. I remember back to the spot next to the fence in Mrs. J's backyard, and to the paper cups lining her kitchen window. I continue now, as I did when I was four years old, to not only consider the lillies, but also the dandelions.

This semester

2010-04-03T19:13:00.000-07:00

I have to be honest when I say that I'm really disappointed with this semester. I'm taking 18 credit hours and working 20 hours a week, and while I've had similar work loads in semesters past, I'm taking all 300- and 400-level major classes and TAing for 2 classes this semester. I feel like I've been so over my head that everything I've produced this semester has been mediocre, at best. All of my assignments, all of my tests, all of my papers have been far below the level of success I'm capable of. What bothers me the most isn't that I'm not going to get all A's, but that professors whom I greatly respect and admire now have reason to doubt my intelligence. That bothers me more than any bad grade I could get. Prospective grades: Epistemology- B+/A-; Metalogic- A-/A; Philosophy of Language- B/B+; Philosophy of Theology- A; Media Law- A-/A; Research Methods for Journalism- A. We'll see what happens.

7 more days of class.

Il me manque

2010-03-22T20:54:00.000-07:00

When I think too much about this boy...

I miss him so much I look up prices on airfare to Ireland.

RESS, EFY, and other accronyms

2010-02-06T11:15:00.000-08:00

So I submitted a paper to BYU's Religious Education Student Symposium back in January, and it got accepted. So I'll be presenting it on the 19th and, hopefully, getting some money out of it. I wrote the paper for my Mormon Women's History class last semester, and it's on the influence of the Relief Society Magazine on the standardization of American LDS female culture. And my mom's coming up to Utah that weekend, so that's way exciting.

I also found out yesterday that I got hired to work three sessions of EFY in San Antonio this summer!! I'm so excited. I'll be home for a few days after spring term, then I'll be in San Antonio for two weeks, then again for another week in August. And I'll be doing my mission papers over spring term, so I should be expecting my mission call sometime in June/July. I'll probably work at Purple Cow the other weeks up until I leave.

Oh, and this has been an unusually warm winter for Provo.

Everything is kind of a little really awesome right now.

Happiness is...

2010-01-09T20:23:00.000-08:00

-"Classy" dinner parties with friends. (Classy in quotation marks because, well, how classy can you get with mismatching plates.) Last night I invited some friends over for dinner. I made vegetable lasagna and French bread with homemade garlic butter. The bread wasn't homemade. Well, it was Smith's-made, if that counts.

-Having the best job on campus working for the best professor on campus. This is my third semester TAing for Phil 205 and 305 (deductive and predicate logic), and I love it. I love how much better I understand logic after teaching it so much, and the weird things to which I connect it in my life.

-Loving all my classes. I'm taking a full class load this semester: six three-credit-hour classes. But it's a good thing I love all of them. I'm taking:

Epistemology. Episteme is Greek for knowledge, logy is Greek of study of (roughly). I'm taking this from one of my favorite professors in the philosophy department; one of my favorites because I feel like I do more philosophy in his classes than I do worrying about grades.
Metalogic. Can anyone say hard? 99% of this class is way over my head, but as of now, I'm at least treading water in it. Luckily I work for the professor who teaches it, and he understands how difficult the class is (it was originally taught as a 400-level class in the math department, they didn't want to teach it anymore, so philosophy teaches it by historical precedent). So I imagine if I work as hard as I can, I can get away with an A.
Philosophy of Language. So far, so good. We haven't studied language so much as we've talked about what philosophy is, but I'm looking forward to the material.
Philosophy of Theology/Reading Scripture. Probably my favorite class this semester. We spent the entire class on Wednesday just talking about Genesis 2:1-3.
Media Law and Ethics. I love studying the First Amendment, and I have a soft spot for law and government (thanks to my AP government teacher in high school). The professor is awesome, as well. She has law experience and used to teach at BYU's law school, and she's a lot of fun to listen to.
Research Methods for Journalism. I'll be honest, one of the most intimidating things about being a journalist to me is how overwhelming it is to get accurate, well-cited information. I think this will be a great class to learn about more resources. Also, it's supposed to be a 2 and a half hour class, but the professor said he'll usually cut it short. I won't complain.

-Realizing that I could bring my GPA up to a 3.7 if I make this another straight-A semester and retake a few classes in which I made less-than-desirable grades my freshman year. I've really been interested in good graduate schools for journalism (Columbia, Northwestern, and UC Berkley), and if I can get my grades up high enough, I have a shot at grant money and scholarships.

-Looking forward to the future. I'm spending spring in Provo, and I'm going on a mission this fall. It's weird to think that I've wanted to serve a mission for as long as I can remember, and this is the year.

A Christmas break in Haikus

2009-12-22T19:15:00.000-08:00

I'm home for Christmas;

Working at the Purple Cow;

Hey, I need the cash.

Waiting for my grades;

Hoping for straight A's again;

Professors are slow.

Looking forward to

Another semester of

Good philosophy.

Life lesson #45819567

2009-12-12T14:03:00.000-08:00

Owning mistakes and self-deprecation are not mutually inclusive.

It would have been nice to figure this out sooner.

Babies

2009-12-06T12:13:00.001-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7aCZUb_dUGA&feature=popt00us14

Doesn't this look adorable?! And it looks so well-made too. I can't wait for it to come out.

I've been thinking a lot lately about babies. I wrote my term paper for my Philosophical Writing class on the medicalization of childbirth, and a few of my friends/family have recently had babies/are pregnant. I also think that being in Provo has definitely heightened my maternal instinct. I was once very anti-having babies. But it seems now that there are so many resources available for women to have kids and be good moms and go to graduate school and have a career. Honestly, I'm kind of looking forward to it.

Worth causing a stir?

2009-12-03T08:15:00.000-08:00

So when I need to go to the Wilk and I'm south of it, I usually shortcut through the bookstore. I usually walk a little slower past the books just to see if anything will catch my eye, and there's one book that, every time I pass by it, makes me kind of uncomfortable.

It's written by an LDS author, and (put most simply) it's about a woman in an abusive relationship. But the cover is what gets me. This book is being sold by glorifying a scared woman with a man's hand covering her mouth. Perhaps I'm oversensitive, and perhaps maybe the publishers of this book aren't sensitive enough. I would like to think that a story about a woman in a violent relationship would employ a more empowering cover--representing her freeing herself from that relationship. But no. This publishers use the actual violent aspect of the relationship as the "good" part, the part that will sell books.

But here's the thing. I'm all about spreading awareness about domestic violence. I think women in bad situations can connect with characters, even fictional characters, in similar situations and find empowerment. I'm sure reading this book may help some woman find a way out of her violent relationship. But the cover. The cover.

So I'm considering writing a letter to the BYU Bookstore and the publishers of the book. To the bookstore: pull the book. To the publishers: consider printing it with a different cover.

What do you think?

INTJ

2009-12-01T22:25:00.000-08:00

I took the Myers-Briggs test recently, and turns out I'm INTJ: Introverted, iNtuitive, Thinking, Judging. Apparantly INTJ's account for 1-4% of the population, and we're characterized as "masterminds." After reading about the characteristics of INTJ's, it's kind of scary how much they describe me. Here's some bullet points about INTJ's:

We have a quiet self-confidence, and others may see this as simple arrogance.
We know what we know, and we know what we don't know. (I will tell you straight up that I know how systematized, formal logic works, but I couldn't tell you a thing about engineering.)
We are typically perfectionists, but are rather pragmatic about what we're perfectionists about. We constantly ask ourselves if what we're doing is worth doing.
We can't stand irresponsibility and slackers. If you aren't living up to your commitments, we lose a lot of respect for you. This includes both peers and superiors.
We typically like to stay in the background in group settings, but if we see a need for better leadership, we'll step up.
We are inherently socially unconventional, but we simulate some form of conformity to get along with people.
We have little patience for irrational social rituals, such as small talk and flirting, and we prefer people to just make sense.
We are typically very private and naturally impassive.
While we have a lot of confidence in our knowledge and abilities, we have little confidence when it comes to interpersonal relationships.
When we do connect with someone, we're willing to put a lot of time and effort into developing and fostering relationships, and are characterized by good communication skills.
We have a low tolerance for spin and rampant emotionalism.
We work best independently and when given creative freedom, and we enjoy spending time working out unique solutions to complex problems.
We have a strong desire to express ourselves through our own intellectual designs.
Because of our naturally private nature, non-INTJ's may see us as distant and reserved.

Things I've Been Doing with My Life

2009-11-29T15:34:00.001-08:00

Two weekends ago, I went to Biola University (Bible Institute of Los Angeles) with some friends for an interfaith Mormon/Evangelical dialogue and conference. It was pretty cool. They had some scholars, both LDS and Evangelical, speak. I definitely learned a lot about Evangelicals and why we’ve always had a rocky history with them. One thing one speaker said really made sense: Evangelicals focus a lot on how the Bible makes rational sense, whereas Mormons focus more on personal experience with the Holy Ghost, and this is the biggest obstacle to overcome on both sides. However, apparently there’s this move from modernism to post-modernism among Evangelicals where more people want to rely on the Holy Ghost. Pretty interesting stuff. I’ve been going to some local interfaith dialogues with some friends in Provo, too. I think being able to explain your beliefs and why you believe them to someone else is really good for reinforcing them in your mind. I’m kind of also realizing how much I still need to know before I go on a mission. The dialogues were a little intimidating; sitting at a table with people whose nametages read "Biola," "Fuller Theological Seminary," and "Wheaton College" was definitely a wake up for me to know and understand as much LDS Theology as possible.

I have an interview on the 9th to be an EFY counselor in San Antonio. I'm way excited for that, and I hope I do well enough for them to want me. I remember EFY being a really good experience for me, and I want to help other kids have a good experience, too. Who knows, maybe I'll have some misfit 17-year-old in my group who listens to weird music and doesn't really care about school, and I can help her realize that you CAN be yourself AND be follower of Christ. I did it, so anyone can.

I've been working on a paper that I'm submiting to BYU's Religious Education Student Symposium. I wrote it last semester in my Mormon Women's History class, and I've been adding to and editing it for submission. It's on the influence of the Relief Society Magazine on the standardization of LDS Female Culture. Should you ever find yourself in Periodicals in the BYU library, look through issues of the RS Magazine. It's such a trip.

One and a half more weeks of school left. Today's my last official day of Thanksgiving break, and I'm a little overwhelmed with everything I have to get done (4 philosophy classes=papers from heck), but I'm excited to go home for Christmas.

Saturday is a special day...

2009-10-24T11:01:00.000-07:00

...It's the day we try desperately to get enough done as to not feel completely overwhelmed during the subsequent week.

So I'm planning a day of non-stop homework and studying. I have a ton to do this week, and everything will be made exponentially better if I at least get everything done due up to Wednesday. We'll see...

OH! So I am officially an official print journalism major in the official department of communications in the official school of fine arts and communications. Woo! I feel really good about this major, and I feel even more good about pairing it with philosophy. For the first time in a while, I feel like I'm figuring out my undergrad. Now I just need to get my GPA up and start studying for the GRE to make sure I get into a good grad school.

Also, I love that Provo is being cool and staying warm so far this fall. Thanks Provo!

Whenever there is rain

2009-10-14T17:58:00.000-07:00

So the last three weeks have been pretty miserable for me. I've felt pretty lonely and distant from those around me, and I've been completely overwhelmed with the amount of school work I've had. I'm also falling back into that unhealthy compulsive perfection I seem to get myself into every once and a while.

About an hour ago, I got a less-than-desirable grade on a midterm.

So I walked out of the testing center into the rain. The rain. Probably the most metaphorical symbol of despair I can possibly think of. But I had remembered a blog post I read recently on a friend's blog about how one day when she was walking home from campus in a rain storm, trying to stay dry, she noticed another girl who openly accepted the rain by letting herself be soaked by it. This influenced my friend to open up to it, too.

So that's what I did. I closed my umbrella, put down my hood, and pushed up my jacket sleeves. Right after I did this I looked to my left and saw the biggest, most vibrant rainbow I had ever seen in my life arching over Y Mountain. I pulled out my cell phone for pictures, which simply do not do it justice.

I immediately though of the first line to a primary hymn: "I like to look for rainbows whenever there is rain."

God blesses me with so many good things, so many rainbows, that I simply overlook. Sometimes it takes loneliness, anxiety, and rain for me to notice all of these blessings. I just have to be willing to open up to these blessings, especially when there's rain.

Prince Charming

2009-10-09T22:11:00.000-07:00

I wrote this a while ago. It's not great, but I thought it was pretty good for what it is.

I'm not waiting for prince charming.
Prince charming is supposedly going to rescue me,
but I don't need to be rescued;
I'm quite good at rescuing myself,
thankyouverymuch.
I'm not waiting for prince charming because
I like smart, witty, and sarcastic,
and charming is overrated.
I'm not waiting for prince charming.
I'm waiting for prince flawed,
Prince imperfect,
Prince vulnerable,
to share in my flaws, imperfections, and vulnerabilities.
(Because, let's be honest, I'm no princess.)
I'm not waiting for prince charming.
I am, however, waiting for someone.
Someone to love me more than he loves himself;
Someone to be young with;
Someone to be old with;
Someone to spend eternity with;
Someone with whom I will create worlds and universes without number,
In a perfect, beautiful, egalitarian eternity.

General RS Broadcast

2009-09-27T12:07:00.000-07:00

Can I just say that I really, really enjoyed the Relief Society broadcast last night?

I got home from studying on campus at about 5:30, and caught some of the football game on tv. One of my roommates informed me that the broadcast started at 6 (I had forgotten about it entirely), and I was admittedly a little upset that I was going to miss the rest of the game for what I thought was going to be more rhetoric along the lines of: My dear sisters, we need to be better wives/mothers. We need to support our husbands/priesthood leaders. Mothers who know have scrapbooks for all 10 of their children. (Just kidding, I love sister Beck.)

However, I was very pleased with all of the talks and their subject matter. No calling to repentance. No implications of seperate by equal with men. No guilt. Just women talking about being women. And President Eyering's talk on the importance of the history of Relief Society? Golden.

I have to say, however, Sister Thompson gave the best one.

Feeling Connected

2009-09-17T22:37:00.000-07:00

One thing I've always loved about being alive is being outdoors. Experiencing God's creation as He intended it can be beautiful and grounding. I grew up with family summer vacations consisting of camping, and with two boy scout brothers and a boy scout dad, I was instilled very young with a wonderful awe and respect for nature.

Think about the Gospel, and how many important events happened in the stillness of nature: Joseph's prayer in the Sacred Grove, Christ's atonement in the Garden of Gethsemane, and Adam and Eve's Celestial-like life in the Garden of Eden. I have a very firm belief that God uses the beauty and power of nature to help us feel more connected to Him.

Tonight I had the opportunity to go to Provo Canyon for a bonfire and marshmallow-roasting a professor of mine put together for his class. Feeling the damp grass between my toes while looking up at the stars (something I don't get in the city), I experienced that feeling of connectedness with God.

Sometimes I feel closer to God when I'm in nature than I do anywhere else. I'm reminded of a line in my favorite book, The Poisonwood Bible:

"Do you think God wrote it all down in the English King James Himself? When I want to take God at His word, I take a peep out the window at His creation. Because that, darling, He makes fresh for us daily, without a lot of dubious middle managers."

An update in bullet points

2009-09-14T20:26:00.001-07:00

I love school. I can't imagine doing anything else with my life right now.
Said goodbye to a good friend last night. Sad.
I finally got my rain boots, but I don't have any jeans that are tight enough to wear with them, so I have to wait to wear them.
Only a little behind in reading.
Going way outside of my comfort zone on Wednesday. Details to come.

Birthday

2009-09-07T08:24:00.000-07:00

So, yesterday was my birthday. And, honestly, I couldn't have asked for a better birthday weekend.

Friday night: vegetarian potluck/co-birthday party with Alyne. Probably the best potluck the club has had thusfar.
Saturday: lunch with old roommates, manicure, Timpanogos storytelling festival with friends, and BYU beat OU.
Sunday: totally chill. Read a lot, watched some movies, and discovered that my new favorite movie is Phoebe in Wonderland. Also, Cait and Tim had their baby on my birthday. How rad is that.
Today: no school

10 more years, at best

2009-09-03T18:24:00.000-07:00

As I enter a new semester, I've been thinking about why I involve myself in so much. Two majors, a minor, a job, and president of a club. I've consistently taken 16-18 credit hours each semester since starting BYU, and feel the need to hurry through my undergrad to get on to grad school and a career. I'm counting down the months until I get to turn in my mission papers.

I realized why I do this.

I'm scared to death that, since I'll be expected for the rest of my life to take care of kids and a husband, I need to cram as much self-fulfillment as possible into the short time I have left. I'm going to be honest: I really don't want kids. Like, really, really, really don't want kids. Were it not for the fact that loneliness isn't that much fun, I probably really wouldn't want to get married, either.

Bertrand Russell

2009-09-01T16:39:00.000-07:00

"Three passions, simple but overwhelmingly strong, have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and the unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind."

I miss Brad. A lot. Five months down.

I feel so at home in my classes. Even in metaphysics, in which I'm the only woman.

I recently cried quite a bit at seeing this photo essay.

Funny, I never really thought I had much in common with Russell.

Yep

2009-08-30T20:21:00.001-07:00

Today was a really, really good day.

And a really great way to start the semester.

I just...feel really good about everything right now.

:)

Provolone

2009-08-28T12:39:00.000-07:00

So I flew into SLC on Tuesday, signed a contract with Fluer de Lis, moved in Wednesday, and here I am. It's a little pricey, but everything is way worth it. Also, I am currently eating a delicious hummus sandwich. Be jealous.

I'm still really looking forward to class starting. I'm also doing some pretty cool stuff next week. I signed up to take the Rosarch Inkblot Test for a psychology professor, and I'm getting $10 for doing it. I'm also interviewing for a position as a research assistant for something that I'm still not entirely sure about. Some professor's secretary called me and said another student reccomended me for the position, but didn't give a lot of information. If it's paid, I'll have to cut back on my hours TAing. We'll see.

I don't have a whole lot to do this weekend. Already bought my books and school supplies. The only thing I'm doing is making a gift for Tim and Cait's baby shower on Sunday. Speaking of which, I'm going to this adorable fabric shop on Freedom and 5th. Seriously, go there.

Packing: haiku version

2009-08-24T09:53:00.000-07:00

Leaving for Provo,
Filling up three suitcases,
Five more syllables.

What I've been listening to

2009-08-18T23:25:00.000-07:00

I've been listening to a lot of really mellow, feel-good music lately.

Albums I've been into:
Joshua Radin - Simple Times
Jack Johnson- In Between Dreams
Ingrid Michaelson- Be Okay

I definitely recommend adding these to your itunes collection.

17 days

2009-08-13T15:03:00.000-07:00

Ever since I started first grade, I've always gotten really excited as the summer comes to a close and school approaches. I think most kids did up until, I don't know, high school. But for some reason, I still get unreasonably excited for school to start. Perhaps it's because I'm ready to be immersed in learning again? Perhaps it's because I'm a little bored and need more to do? Perhaps it's because buying school supplies is more interesting to me than buying anything else? Perhaps it's because I've bought a ton of cute clothes this summer and am looking forward to wearing something other than a Purple Cow shirt everyday?

E) All of the above.

Also, I spent a good part of yesterday cleaning out my closet.

Before:

After:

It might not seem like that huge of a difference, but I ended up with four bags of trash, two bags of recyclables, and two bags for Goodwill.

Purple Cow: haiku version

2009-08-11T14:03:00.001-07:00

I smell like a french fry;
Shirt stained with purple ice cream;
Wait, did she want Coke?

My life: haiku version

2009-08-08T21:35:00.000-07:00

Heart in Ireland;
In between identities;
Has class started yet?

I can't fall asleep...

2009-08-08T00:11:00.000-07:00

...because I keep thinking of what I'm going to wear on the first day of class.

Pathetic, right?

These jeans, this shirt (in black), this shirt (underneath, in white), these shoes (in french blue [I got them on sale last week]), and this scarf (which I just bought on sale with a 30% off coupon).

Man, I seriously need to do more important things with my life.

Virtue; isn't it about....time?

2009-07-28T22:26:00.000-07:00

(I realized I hadn't really blogged about anything other than working out, waiting for school to start, and hating my job)

So a while ago, the Church added virtue to the list of YW values. FINALLY!!! I got really tired through my years in YW of all of the "stay away from sex/porn" talks directed only to YM. It's nice to know that the Church is finally acknowledging that teenage girls are in fact developing a sex drive and need as much guidence as teenage boys, and that pornography can become as addictive to women as it can become to men.

I've decided to go ahead and do the personal progress stuff for the new value, even though I already got the YWR award.

Not anti social, just shy

2009-07-26T21:39:00.000-07:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. For some reason, I've lost my ability to make friends, at least the way everyone else makes friends. I don't know what happened in between high school and college. Maybe during the whole adaptation to a college life, I lost my ability to be social and comfortable and secure. Sometimes I overdo it, try to seem too outgoing, and end up regretting it later because I'm sure the people I was with thought I was a complete tool. Or I underdo it and fear people think I'm arrogant rather than plain shy.

So I've gone through two years of school with plenty of acquaintances, but I want to make -real- friends this year. People to call and hang out with. People to do stuff with. People who invite me to parties. So I was thinking it would be a good idea to make a list of things I could do to put more effort into making friends.

1. Be willing to put myself in situations where I can meet people
2. Take more of an interest in other people
3. Smile more
4. Remember that people are just people; no one thinks I'm weird by default, and everyone is up for making new friends
5. Introduce myself to people I sit next to in classes
6. Stop fearing rejection
7. Take initiative and invite other people to do things
8. Find small things that make me happy; if I'm in a good mood, I'm more likely to be friendly
9. Don't seem desperate for friends (even though I really am)
10. Pray for help with all of this

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud became more painful than the risk it took to blossom." --Anais Nin

Academic withdraws

2009-07-26T18:58:00.000-07:00

I put the Scriptures and all of the church handbooks I use on my eee pc and took it to church with me today. I felt really good having my computer on my lap in a class setting.

I miss school way too much. I'm so glad I'm doing spring term next yea.

Three weeks of work left, one week to clean out my room permanently and pack, then a week in Provo to find housing.

I decided on a goal. After I run my first 5k, I'm going to invest in some nike+ shoes and the cheapest ipod I can get to work with them, as long as I can find some non-leather ones.

Summer is killing me.

Post vacation

2009-07-20T20:20:00.000-07:00

So being in the car for 20 hours + moderate stroll all week + eating like crap and not really metabolizing anything = a disappointed Shelley.

BUT

I downloaded some new songs for a new running playlist. I also decided to start running at a slower pace to see how much longer I could go. Let's just say .3 mph makes a huge difference. I've gone from running a solid 5 minutes to running 1.5 miles in 20 minutes. Not perfect, but better than I've done in a while. I don't know if I'll be able to do a 5k before school starts, but I'll definitely find something at BYU. I'm also planning on taking advantage of the indoor track in the SFL so I can run in the colder months.

Also, I feel ridiculously good after running 20 minutes.

New playlist:

Katy Perry - Hot n Cold
Britney Spears - Circus
Rihanna - Disturbia
Fall Out Boy - Hum Hallelujah
All-American Rejects - Move Along
Switchfoot - Dare You to Move
Metro Station - Shake It
Daft Punk - Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger
will.i.am - Brand New Day
U2 - Beautiful Day
Sublime - Santeria

A total of 40 minutes, which is a good time for a solid warm up and run.

Nauvoo is kind of freezing

2009-07-17T15:29:00.000-07:00

Who knew it could be this cold in the middle of July? I thought I was done with cold at least until Provo this fall.

We've basically toured around all of the LDS and Community of Christ stuff. Carthage Jail wasn't nearly as depressing as I thought it was going to be. We went to the Red Brick Store today, and going up to the 2nd floor was probably my favorite part of this trip so far. When we came back down, a woman asked me what was upstairs, and I answered that there were some rooms with some historical artifacts, and she was like, "oh, so it's not very important, huh?" And I was thinking, "uhm, it's only where the Relief Society was organized and where the first endowments were done before the Nauvoo Temple was finished AREYOUKIDDINGME."

We also saw this kid who plays Joseph Smith in the Nauvoo Pageant do a reenactment of parts of the King Follett discourse. That was pretty rad. We're going to the Pageant tonight.

I don't think I'm going to get on the scale for at least a week after we get back. I have not eaten healthy in the least bit the last few days, and although I took advantage of our hotel in Kansas's fitness center and went running yesterday morning, I haven't been as active as I should be.

Vacation

2009-07-12T20:17:00.000-07:00

So I have this week off from work. I'm going to Nauvoo, Illinois with my family for a family reunion. I'm pretty excited mostly to just get time by myself to chill and read. I'm not, however, looking forward to the drive.

I've also been doing so good with eating well and exercising. I've lost 7 pounds in the last 3 weeks. Go me. I average about .3-.5 pounds weight loss every day (I know I shouldn't be weighing everyday, but whatevs), so by the time I go back to school, I should be around 125. I also have a plan to lose another 10 pounds over the semester. 115 is perfect for my height, and I'm looking forward to it.

I've been taking quite a few vitamins every day, and I definitely think they've been helping me lose weight and generally feel good. Every day I take:

A general multivitamin (100% of vitamins A through E, iron, and folic acid, amongst other things)
Lutein (macular degeneration runs in my family)
CoQ10
Acai Berry
Vegetable multiplex

Exactly 50 days until the first day of school. Soooo excited.

seven weeks

2009-07-07T18:36:00.000-07:00

I really, really, really, really can't wait to go back to school. I need to feel nourished by academia again. I also can't wait to be done with Purple Cow. This semester will probably be the easiest to leave for because I don't have to say goodbye to Brad this time. Buh, seven more weeks.

Ate today: golden grahams w/ milk; peach; chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream (added up to probably 2 servings); no sugar added moo bar; cheese quessadilla with black beans, pico de guillo, and sour cream

Active today: 20 minutes on treadmill; pilates 20 minutes; stretching 10 minutes; walking around various stores for a few hours

I really need to stop eating junk food so I can eat bigger quantities of healthier stuff.

Slow, expensive weekend

2009-07-05T18:28:00.000-07:00

I've been spending way too much money. I bought more stuff from ELF because I found a 50% off coupon for their studio line stuff:

I also bought a book I've been meaning to read for a while: Amusing Ourselves to Death by Neil Postman. I read parts of it for my principles of journalism class last semester, and enjoyed it. It's about how public discourse is being replaced by entertainment and the fragmented "news-of-the-day." I've only read the first chapter, but I'm liking it so far. He wrote it in 1985, and not only is it still applicable today, it seems like the internet has added more fuel to the fire of Postman's fears than anything could have in 1985.

Ate today: (It was fast Sunday, so no breakfast or lunch.) Baked potato with butter, sour cream, cheese, and natural sea salt (with the skin); strawberries and peaches; corn; brownie sundae

I didn't work out at all today. I was planning on at least stretching, but so much for that. I don't feel bad for the brownie sundae though. I think I'm going to make Sundays my guilt-free chocolate days.

ELF haul

2009-07-02T15:39:00.000-07:00

So I recently discovered ELF Cosmetics. And they're pretty awesome. They're really inexpensive (almost everything is $1) because they don't spend a lot of money on packaging or advertising, they get really good reviews on mua, and they don't test on animals. Seriously. How rad is that?

I just bought some stuff online, spent a total of $24.95 (that includes shipping), and got all of this stuff:

All for $25. How awesome is that? You're lucky to find just 2 cosmetics that add up to $25. http://www.eyeslipsface.com.

Also, I got my hair cut today. Nothing too dramatic, just a few inches off and re-layered. I really like it. I also bought some stuff on the cheap at the Body Shop from the $2 bin. And I made brownies for Brad. So after all of my over-the-top girlishness today, I mowed the lawn.

Ate today: mixed veggies and spring rolls from Panda Express with sweet and sour sauce; pretzels; 1 slice homemade veggie pizza; no sugar added moo bar; 1.5 brownies (plus some batter on the side of the bowl)

Active today: walked around the mall; mowed front and back yard (total of 1.25 hours); treadmill walk/run 30 minutes; pilates 20 minutes; stretch 10 minutes

Not bad. I could have done without the brownie, and I wish I would have woken up in time to eat breakfast and get my metabolism going, but overall I'm happy with today.

So this is my summer...

2009-07-01T20:28:00.001-07:00

Work, working out, eating healthier (or trying to), losing 20 pounds (really trying to), writing to/missing Brad, looking forward to school starting.

I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow. I seriously need it trimmed.

Ate today: cinnamon chex with milk; salad with spinach, red onion, tomato, egg, jack cheese, and honey mustard; ice cream (chocolate with oreo, peanut butter, and hot fudge....ugh, but so good); diced peaches; no sugar added moo bar; too much water to remember.

Active today: work 9 hours, treadmill walk/run 30 minutes, stretch 10 minutes, pilates 2o minutes.

I did good except for the ice cream (that's what I get for working at Purple Cow), and the fact that I got home from work too late to eat a real dinner. But I didn't have any soda today, and I think that's a pretty good accomplishment.

I think it's interesting that giving up meat wasn't a problem at all for me. I don't remember it being very hard at all, and I only craved a few things (mostly chicken) for about a month. But it's so hard for me to say no to Coke and Dr Pepper. Hmm...

2:30 AM

2009-06-26T00:31:00.000-07:00

I have to be up in 3 and a half hours to get ready to go to Lubbock for a family reunion. How exciting. At least I don't have to work this weekend. I also plan to finish Three Cups of Tea, which I've been looking forward to reading in time increments greater than 5 minutes.

I don't know why I stay up so late. Jerry Seinfeld has a joke about night guy and morning guy. Night guy will stay up late, knowing he has to wake up early, but thinks that part is morning guy's problem. And morning guy always hates night guy. Morning Shelley always hates night Shelley.

Also, I really dislike some of the people I work with. Particularly management. I really can't wait to go back to TAing in the fall.

Also, I seriously miss Brad.

Mix CD for a Missionary

2009-06-23T12:07:00.001-07:00

So Brad told me that his mission president was fairly lax on the kind of music he and his companion are allowed to listen to. I really like a particular type of religious music; somewhere between MoTab and EFY. This is what I came up with for him:

Vocal Point - Nearer My God To Thee
Vocal Point - Praise to the Man (Vocal Point is an a capella group from BYU)
Sufjan Stevens - Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing
Sufjan Stevens - Transfiguration
Marvin Goldstein - Because I Have Been Given Much
MoTab - I Know that My Redeemer Lives
Tiffany Fronk - As Sisters in Zion (Brad really likes this song....go figure...)
259 - Be Still My Soul
259 - I Walked Today Where Jesus Walked
259 - Woman, Why Weepest Thou?
259 - Via Dolorosa
259 - He is Jesus Christ
MoTab - Abide with Me
Relient K - Deathbed

I plan on making more...

Father's Day Ice Cream Cake

2009-06-21T16:41:00.000-07:00

So I made this masterpiece for my dad today. It was a little tricky, but totally worth it. I thought I'd take a break from my usual type of entries and tell my readers how to make an ice cream cake.

You'll need:

A box of your favorite cake mix
At least a gallon of your favorite ice cream (you want to get more than you think you'll need. After all, leftover ice cream poses much less of a problem than not enough ice cream)
2 cans of your favorite frosting
3 round cake pans of the same size
Anything you'd like to put on top (fruit, sprinkles, etc.)
Plastic wrap
Foil

So after getting all of your ingredients, here's what you do:

Let the ice cream out to thaw for 20-30 minutes. Line one of the cake pans with plastic wrap and spread the icecream in the pan. Make sure you get in all of the corners and that you make the top as flat as possible. Cover with foil and put in freezer over night.
Grease and flour the other 2 cake pans. Prepare and bake the cakes according to the box.
After the cakes are completely cool (I let them cool over night), frost the top of one of them and the bottom of the other.
(This part goes fast) Get your ice cream pan out of the freezer. Carefully slide the plastic wrap out of the pan and turn the ice cream upside down on top of the top-side-frosted cake. Peel off the plastic wrap. Take the other cake and put it frosting-side-down on top of the ice cream.
As fast as you can, frost around the ice cream. This can get tricky because the ice cream will start to melt and the frosting will slide off. If this happens, just add more frosting and smooth as much as possible. After you've frosted around the ice cream, put the cake in the freezer for 10 minutes just to let the ice cream freeze a little more.
Take the cake out and frost the entire thing and decorate as desired. *note* if you want to use fruit to decorate, save it until right before serving. I made the mistake of putting strawberries on top and freezing the cake, thus freezing the strawberries and rendering them inedible.
After the cake is decorated, put it back into the freezer until serving. Cover any leftovers with plastic wrap and re-freeze.

You can't really go wrong with ice cream cakes; everyone likes them. They're fairly easy to make, but the trick is frosting the cake quickly.

Errand of Angels

2009-06-21T14:37:00.001-07:00

I recently saw Errand of Angels, a fairly-new LDS movie which tells the fictional story of a sister missionary in Austria. Overall, I thought it was a pretty good movie. But there were some things I didn't particularly like.

What I did like:

The independence of the sister missionaries from men. There were no elders or mission presidents that had to save the day. The only mentionings of males in the mission field were when the mission president sent a letter to the set of sister missionaries congratulating them, and an elder baptizing someone. Other than that, the sister missionaries were portrayed as strong-minded, capable, and independent.
The scenery. Seriously, I want to go to Austria now.
Character development. I always like movies that make me hate one of the characters at one point, then love them at another.

What I didn't like:

The one sister missionary that was portrayed as bossy and lazy was overweight, wore no make up, and dressed like a grandma. The "nice" sister missionaries where thin, dressed fashionably, and always had their make up and hair done.
In every other missionary movie, there's always one elder whose plot line includes a girlfriend back home. Why did none of the sister missionaries talk about a boyfriend back home?

I thought it was a pretty good movie, worth seeing, but reinforces LDS cultural gender stereotypes a little too much.

I give it a B.

2009-06-18T22:16:00.000-07:00

Come, Thou Fount of every blessing,
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;
Streams of mercy, never ceasing,
Call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I’m fixed upon it,
Mount of Thy redeeming love.

Here I raise my Ebenezer
Hither by Thy help I’ve come;
And I hope, by Thy good pleasure,
Safely to arrive at home.
Jesus sought me when a stranger,
Wandering from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger,
Interposed His precious blood.

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee:
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here's my heart, O take and seal it;
Seal it for Thy courts above.

Church today

2009-06-14T18:33:00.001-07:00

I've loved going to church since I've been home. I think not being at BYU has made me realize how much I take Sunday church meetings for granted. I also think being at BYU made me forget how much I love family wards. The kids in the singles ward tried to get me to come to church with them at the beginning of the summer, but I didn't want to. There's something about family wards, screaming kids, old people in testimony meeting, and twelve year olds trying to look like they know what rows to go to when passing the sacrament that makes me feel at home.

Community and belonging has always been one thing I've loved about being Mormon. I don't agree with the majority of Mormons on a lot of political/social/etc. issues, but I still feel so embraced by this community.

I sit up on the stand with my mom because she plays the organ and my dad is in the Bishopric, so if I sat in a pew I'd be alone. Also, I enjoy people watching. I love watching families interact with each other, siblings teasing each other, and pinpointing the exact moment everyone stops paying attention to the speaker.

Even if all of the doctrine that the Mormon church professes weren't true, I wouldn't leave it. I love the people way too much.

Things lately

2009-06-09T10:47:00.000-07:00

I seriously can't wait to go back to school. Is that crazy or what? Not that I don't love being home (because I do), but I'm really excited about my classes and everything with the Vegetarian Club and my blogsBYU project I'm starting and getting accepted to the communications department (I know I am) and a whole bunch of other crap. I feel like my sophomore year was exponentially better than my freshman year, and I'm hoping my junior year will follow that trend.

I've been buying a lot of crap lately. I got my eee pc in the mail yesterday. It was only $250 and I wanted a computer to take to campus with me because my hp pavillion makes my backpack weigh about 200 pounds. I also had to completely restore my system because everything crashed, but I upgraded it to 2 gb ram and 320 gb hard drive. So my computer(s) are pretty much awesome.

I need to save an additional $500 for clothes before I go back to school.

Also, I'm finally learning how to drive. It's about time.

I wish I still got paid for good grades

2009-05-04T16:16:00.000-07:00

but I did get to pick a restaurant to eat at with my parents in Austin.

A in Principles of Journalism, A in Mass Communications and Society, A in News Writing, A in Doctrine and Covenants, A- in Philosophy of Religion, and A- in Mormon Women's History.

Next semester is four philosophy classes (Kant, Metaphysics, History of Philosophy II, and Philosophical Writing), Psychology of Gender, Flexibility, and Career and Grad School Prep.

And, by the way, we ate at Mother's Cafe and Garden. Go there. Seriously. Long-haired hippies play the harp for you while you eat delicious vegetarian food.

Sarah Haskins

2009-04-18T19:55:00.001-07:00

So I recently discovered Sarah Haskins. She has these hilarious videos where she talks about the ridiculous ways companies target women.

My personal favorite?

Yogurt.

So good.

What I don't understand

2009-04-16T21:48:00.000-07:00

I do as much feminist interpretation of scripture as the next person, but so much of the creation and fall, I don't understand.

"thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee."

I don't understand why I was put into this situation.

Where is justice.

Dichotomy of Culture in Provo

2009-04-13T17:19:00.000-07:00

So after discussing this with a friend on Friday night and with a group of people in my principles of journalism class tonight, I realized that I'm not the only one who thinks a certain way about this.

There's a huge dichotomy in college student culture in Provo. On one hand, you have the "Zoobie" culture, which includes BYU students who live in the BYU Bubble. They go to all the BUYSA-sponsored events and dances, and find their identity on campus.

On the other hand, there's the Hipster culture in Provo. This culture seems to try to distance itself as much as possible from the Zoobie culture. Think downtown: Velour, Sego, Coal Umbrella, etc. I even have a name for how people who identify with this culture dress: DI Kitsch.

I've felt like, since I've come to BYU, I kind of have stakes in both cultures. However, it's hard to be in both because they seem so polarized. I always feel really, really uncomfortable when I wear a BYU shirt or jacket to a show at Velour or Muse Music because then I won't fit into that too-cool-for-BYU Hipster scene.

I love the school I go to, but I also think Provo has a great downtown culture. But since I think the former, I never feel welcome in the latter.

The next two weeks...

2009-04-11T18:47:00.001-07:00

...are going to kill me...

...from how ridiculously stress-free they're going to be.

Seriously. I only have four actual finals to take, and one of them is writing a 4-page paper in class. The other three are actual tests. One of my classes has a final paper, which I just need to tweak my rough draft and I'll be done with it. And the other two simply don't have finals.

How awesome is this?

Re: Idealist, Pragmatic, and Cynical Feminists

2009-04-08T18:23:00.001-07:00

So a post over at The Exponent II Blog is discussing three different types of feminism within the framework of the LDS Church. I think this topic is fascinating and would like to expound on it.

I think there are times when I fall under each category, but I feel I balance most in between pragmatic and idealist feminism. I'm pragmatic in the sense that I understand change needs to be slow, and specifically regarding church, I learn to pick my battles when someone says something I disagree with in Sunday School or when someone claims that Mormonism and feminism and mutually exclusive. I tend to compromise, especially on issues regarding family and woman's role as wife and mother.

On the other hand, I'm definitely an idealist. There have been very painful times in my life where I wished, more than anything, that we could all just understand that men and women have the exact same divine potential and that our differences are only temporal in nature.

My idealism is what keeps me faithful; my pragmatism is what keeps me going to church.

However, I can be a cynic. There are times when it seems to make more sense to believe that women are some how inherently inferior to men, and that I some how need to find a way to be okay with eternal subservience. I've been thinking about this a lot lately within the context of man and woman's intelligences and genders being coeternal with God. If gender is a law that God Himself can't transcend, then how are there differences? What in the beginning (for lack of a better, non-temporal term) caused women to be so different from men that we're inferior?

I have an analogy about my testimony in that it's like a bookshelf. I have lots of books, and some of them I really like and will read them over and over again because I understand them (like Christ as my friend, or Joseph Smith as a prophet). Other books, however, I've glanced at the table of contents or flipped through the first few pages of each chapter and realized that there's no way I can understand them. So I put them on my shelf for a future time when I'll be able to understand them. Women's seeming inherent inferiority to men seems to be growing by volumes, but perhaps one day I'll be able to pick it up, read it, understand it, and be okay with it.

Here's to hoping.

I -love- This

2009-04-04T19:44:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine came back from the Priesthood session of General Conference and informed me that President Packer told young men to become skilled in homemaking.

HOW AWESOME IS THAT

Things I would/n't change about BYU

2009-04-01T20:02:00.001-07:00

Things I would change:

Spring break. I would gladly spend an extra week in school if it meant having a week off to catch up on homework and spend some time camping.
More vegetarian options. I'm seriously so tired of L&T in the Cougareat.
The 2-mile radius rule for housing. Can anyone say monopoly? Seriously; I'm paying about $300 a month for mold in the shower and single pane windows that leak.
Better bookstore policy. I feel like students should have the right to shop around for cheaper books. Letting us get the ISB number for our books would be nice. Also, higher prices for buyback.
Weather. Well, there really isn't anything BYU can do about that.
Landscaping. I wish we could just let things grow as they wish rather than planting and replanting and replanting every year.
Office of sustainability. Which reminds me, you should go to the Sustainability Summit next week.

Things I wouldn't change:

$2000 tuition. Three words: seriously freakin' awesome.
Resources for students. High-end technology, free counseling for everything from how to pick a major to how to get into grad school to how to deal with a spouse with pornography problems, and almost everything free.
Community. I love that holding doors for the people behind you is a universal unspoken rule here.
Curriculum. I feel like BYU gets a bad wrap that they don't teach things that matter or pick and choose what to teach. But when I learned about how organic evolution could have easily fit into divine creation in Bio 100, I knew this was the place to be.
Divine Comedy. Three words: seriously freakin' funny.
Professors. I've yet to have a professor that I don't feel like appreciates my thoughts and opinions.

"Immodesty"=pornography(!?)

2009-03-28T10:52:00.000-07:00

Recently, there was a letter to the editor in the Daily Universe in which the author spoke of girls sunbathing in the quad of Helaman Halls. Innocent enough, but these girls were *gasp* wearing short shorts and tank tops.

What harlots! How dare they even own such clothing! Didn't their mothers teach them better!!

The author then accused these girls of being pornography, and that they were detracting from him preparing to serve a mission.

Obviously, I have a few things to say about this.

I was lucky that, through most of my years in the Young Women program, I had teachers who taught me to dress modestly out of respect for my body for God. I hadn't heard the whole "you're pornography if you don't" until I was 16.

The idea that girls should dress modestly simply so they aren't pornography (which, by the way, tank tops and short shorts showing shoulders and knees are pornography?) perpetuates the idea that women should make decisions and take actions only with how they will affect men in mind. This concept is part of the whole idea that women are only here to serve men.

As I'm sure the Daily Universe has received an overwhelming wave of letters responding to this particular letter, I'd like to respond to the author here.

Dear Sam Speer,
I was completely unaware that you aren't the gate keeper of your own sexuality. On behalf of my gender, I apologize for not being more responsible for your thoughts. You are absolutely right; girls have the ability to control your actions. We'll be more careful in the future. In fact, I'm in the process now of writing to the Honor Code Office asking for burkas to be mandatory for all female students.

3.5 weeks

2009-03-22T19:32:00.000-07:00

Now is about the time of the semester when I begin making detailed to-do lists for everything.

I did realize, however, that I only have 3 actual finals. 2 of my classes have papers, and the other 2 just don't have finals.

So you know that feeling...

2009-03-13T17:15:00.000-07:00

...when you're over your head with things you need to do, and you take a 2-day productivity marathon to try to get things done, and you do.

And so you end up with this free time and you don't know what to do with it.

I think this calls for some Ben and Jerry's and a movie.

Also, explaining logic to students is frustrating in two very different ways. 1) I don't understand how 205 students don't understand proofs. There are some premises, you alter those premises with some rules, and you get to a conclusion. Not difficult. 2) I never learned this 305 stuff when I took it. We never proved x=x; we were given an equality introduction rule that let us assume x=x. What's up with that.

But relearning things like Cantor's Theorem always excites me. Something greater than the infinite set of natural numbers? The universe is broken!!

Seriously

2009-02-19T12:32:00.001-08:00

Shelley =/= a big fan of snow

however

sun + dry sidewalks + melting snow + 9:30 class being canceled + sleeping in = something Shelley is a fan of

BYU is much more lonely after today

2009-02-10T14:15:00.000-08:00

I feel like I should blame someone. Not the philosophy department; they didn't do anything wrong. BYU Administration, maybe? Maybe I should write a letter. Maybe I should, out of principle, transfer to UVU.

Or maybe, and most likely, I won't do anything.

I'll just pass by that office like no one important was ever there.

In other news

2009-01-19T13:38:00.001-08:00

Pita Pit + Coke = probably the best lunch ever

Also, I like to think I've grown up some over the last 3 years.

Not much else to do

2009-01-16T22:00:00.000-08:00

I'm taking amazing classes. I have amazing professors. I have an amazing opportunity to go to an amazing school. I'm the president of an amazing club that has the potential to do amazing things. I have an amazing job. I work for an amazing professor in an amazing department. I go to amazing potlucks, meetings, mass bike rides, and book clubs.

But so much of me feels so unfulfilled because of my inability to connect with other people.

Being alone somehow far outweighs all of the amazing things.

2009-01-10T18:31:00.001-08:00

I'm not entirely sure how I'm supposed to feel about certain things anymore.

I'm not entirely sure how to feel anymore.

Good things

2009-01-06T17:28:00.000-08:00

So after crying in a McDonald's bathroom in Orem after walking 5 blocks in knee-deep snow only to miss the bus back to Provo and possibly miss a class, all of which was made 100x worse because I was freezing and my shoes were filled with snow and water, I decided that was quite possibly the most miserable I've been in a long time.

Weather has a pretty intense effect on my mood.

But I'm not going to let this snow win. This wet, cold, God's curse that covers the Earth will not win.

Things which make me very happy right now:
-The fact that all of my classes are really, really awesome. I feel like I'm going to learn so much more this semester than just how to make an A in a class.
-Turns out a grade in one of my classes was wrong, bumping my overall grade in that class from a B+ to an A-.
-My coat keeps at least my upper half very warm.
-Heaters and blankets
-I have so many ideas for the vegetarian club. I feel like we'll accomplish a lot this semester.

4 more months

2009-01-04T15:42:00.000-08:00

Things I associate with Fort Worth, Texas: home, family, best friend, warm, comfortable, familiar

Things I associate with Provo, Utah: lonely, stressed out, superficial relationships, cold, shy, awkward

Cephas

2008-12-31T23:09:00.000-08:00

It's been about 2 1/2 years since I learned that Joseph Smith shot 3 people before he died. Learning this sent me down a path of discovering more under-the-cover Church history that entirely shook my faith. Luckily, I was able to find resources like Sunstone, Mormon Stories, and various blogs that helped me navigate the waters of re-figuring out what I believed religiously and spiritually. I feel like I've found solid ground again. Still with a testimony of Christ, His teachings, and His Church, but perhaps with a bit more sarcastic, self-deprecating, genuine foundation. There are plenty of things that I struggle with (ask me about polygamy in the Celestial Kingdom, and I'll tell you about how the idea of love is completely ruined for me), but I find so much comfort in the words of Peter.

At the end of John 6, after Christ gave the Bread of Life sermon, John writes that many of His disciples "walked no more with Him." Christ then looked at His apostles and asked them if they were going to leave Him, too. Peter, acting as the spokesman for the 12, could have just said, "no, we're staying with you." Rather, he says something so beautiful, so profound: "Lord, to whom shall we go?"

Peter's response so concisely, yet so eloquently, encompasses exactly how I feel. While my faith constantly takes punches from history, doctrine, and culture, I know that there is nothing else. No organization more perfect, no community so comforting. There is so much beauty, so much truth, so much deep philosophical doctrine in this Church, and I stand with Peter when we ask, "Lord, to whom shall we go?"