Sunday, February 20, 2011

Oh hai

So I'm not entirely sure if anyone reads this much anymore (due to my lack of updating and lack of substantial posts), but what the heck. I like writing for writing's sake, even if it goes unread.

So I've been home from my mission for about a month. Long, complicated story short, I was sent home on a medical release due to unforeseen issues with anxiety. I met with a counselor from LDS Family Services while I was on my mission, but the advice given to me by him (and a plethora of others) didn't seem to cure my problems. The physical effects of the anxiety (nausea, headaches, body aches, trouble sleeping) made it difficult to be an effective missionary. Honestly, the decision to come home was a hard, yet necessary, decision to make. I'm still trying to process exactly how my mission affected me. On one hand, I learned a lot about my weaknesses. On the other, this whole situation has left me with two prominent emotions: guilt and failure. I guess the good (and bad) of it is that it can only get better from here.

One of the biggest things to have to deal with is the extreme change of plans. I'm home. This is the first time of my life (since I was 4, at least), that it has been a school year and I haven't been in school. I find myself feeling awkward and out of place on weekday mid-mornings, thinking I need to be in a class or in the library.

I've spent the last 2 weeks trying to find a job, and was offered a job with a doctor for whom I used to work. He's moving to a larger building and they need more office staff. A woman in my ward babysits his kids and told him I needed a job, and he had his office manager hire me. So I'll be doing front desk work there. Huge, huge, huge blessing.

I also am determined to finally get my driver's license (or driver license, as they are known in Texas) within the next few months. I don't know how I didn't connect the dots earlier, but driving brings me a great deal of anxiety; I'm positive that I'm going to kill myself or my passengers or another driver or blow up the world or something whenever I drive. I previously attributed that to inexperience, but it seems to be caused by something more complex. But that's something to get over.

I'll be returning to BYU this fall. I'm really looking forward to that. I'm thirsting for my student routine. For classes and campus food and TAing logic.

And then there's Brad. He gets home (home for him is Colorado) on April 20th. I don't know if he'll be flying to Texas or if I'll be flying to Colorado, or how long he'll/I'll stay, or what we'll be doing. But if there's one thing that my mission has taught me, it's that even the best-made and well-intentioned plans have a way of sometimes going horribly, heart-breakingly wrong.

Today in Sunday School we were talking about the miracles Christ performed. One of my favorite miracles is Jesus walking on water. I think that fact that He walked on water isn't as much of a miracle as was the fact that He saved Peter despite his lack of faith. On my mission, I read about 75% of Jesus the Christ. This paragraph in which Talmage explains the situation stuck out to me:

Into every adult human life come experiences like unto the battling of the storm-tossed voyagers with contrary winds and threatening seas; ofttimes the night of struggle and danger is far advanced before succor appears; and then, too frequently the saving aid is mistaken for a greater terror. As came unto Peter and his terrified companions in the midst of turbulent waters, so comes to all who toil in faith, the voice of the Deliverer--"It is I; be not afraid."

So that's my life right now. I'm going into my new job tomorrow to see the new building and to be psuedo-trained. I'm ready to kiss this month-long streak of unproductivity a great big adiĆ³s.


oats&almonds said...

Having come home early myself for medical reasons, it is easy to empathize with you. When you made the comment about how well-intentioned plans can go horribly wrong, that really resonated with me because of my experience. I know it's awkward to be home and it really, really sucks having to explain why you are home to people. I don't really know what to say to you, other than I'll pray for you and I'll be thinking about you/sending vibes of compassion to you (for some reason, I believe that one can actually send vibes to someone else) and hoping that in some way you can make sense of your situation and feel good about it. I'm sure people have told you to not feel guilty, etc. and you probably understand that intellectually, but I still think it's natural to feel that way, whether you should or not (and I don't think you should). So yeah, I don't know you very well, but my heart really goes out to you because I at least understand a tiny bit what this is like. And yeah, "the group" loves and misses you.

Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

I love this post.

Amy said...

I'm still a reader. Glad you "updated" us. :)

Amy said...

Welcome Back!