The future freaks me out

I plan ahead way too much, and I feel like I keep living in the future. It seems like I measure my accomplishments on how closely things work out to whatever my plan is; I'll only be happy once everything fits. But because I keep making more and more plans, nothing ever seems to fit. I tell myself now that once I get accepted to the visual arts department, I'll be happy. Once this semester ends, I'll be happy. Once I graduate, I'll be happy. Once Brad gets home from his mission, I'll be happy.

I feel like I've wasted my freshman year because I spent all of it planning for what's next, instead of enjoying what's now.

But seriously, once this semester is over, I'll be happy.

Writing

I wish I were a better writer. Well, I guess I wish I wrote more in general. I think I have a lot to write about, but I never really have the patience to figure out how to write it, and sometimes it's hard for me to put it in the context of, well, words. I subscribed to the dictionary.com word of the day a few weeks ago. I think I realized I did that in hopes of finding some magical word to describe everything I want to say. This anathema has left me with these acrid, acerbic emotions, causing me great repining for syntax that ceases the misnomers I've constructed for a myriad of these nefarious feelings; I'm left indolent, with but only my rodomontade.

...no, not so much. Maybe dictionary.com will send me something useful.

Dear snow, leave.

It's almost April, and it is snowing. What is that crap. My roommates and I put on our swimsuits to try to remind ourselves that, yes, summer does exist. But then our doings eventually turned into a conversation of how fat we are. Most things we do together end up like that.

General ramblings

So I feel way too lazy to type well-organized paragraphs...

• I went to the mall last night with my roommates, and spent $60. Yeah, I know. But I haven't gone shopping this entire year (with the exception of grocery shopping), so whatevs. I got 3 bottles of Bath and Body Works body spray (Wild Honeysuckle, Coconut Lime Verbena, and Black Raspberry Vanilla), and 5 undershirts from Forever 21 and Shade. I've always been obsessed with undershirts, and I'm now becoming obsessed with those super long high neck cut stretchy ones.

• We saw I Am Legend at the dollar movie. Not too great, but whatevs. I like the alternate ending much better.
• I've been thinking about how awesome my tuition is. Seriously, there are a few things about BYU that I wouldn't mind changing, but studying here for $2000 a semester is not one of them
• I wanted to go to the Festival of Colors today, but I have a huge project that needs to be done before Monday. Poop.
  

Waking up

I've always had a lot of questions about my religion. Some questions I've worked up the courage to ask, and others have never left the security of my mind. A lot of the latter have spent enough time up there for me to work out answers for (which, most of the time, ultimately results in more questions). Sometimes this process makes me feel more focused on religion than spirituality, the doctrine more than the message. I end up feeling burnt out, like there will never be and end to my questions. But then something will come along and wake me up spiritually. Something will come along to remind me why I still believe the things that I do, and why I don't believe the things I don't. I recently saw the movie Water, and it wasn't so much like my spirit was awaken, but more like my spirit was dumped with ice water, drank a couple of Cokes, and ran a 10k. I've never felt like I related more to a character in a movie in my life than I do to Shakuntala. She spends her life as a widow wanting to be content with the traditions that she hates so much. She wants to be at peace with the life that she doesn't understand why she was put in. She wants to be a devout Hindu woman, but despises everything it entails. Then at the end, you have the same realization she has; it isn't about traditions or doctrines. It's about connecting your Spirit with God and with the Spirits of others. It's about Truth, and the pursuit of.

"But what if your conscience conflicts with your faith?"

In my Book of Mormon class, we went over the part in Ether where the brother of Jared was bulding the barges, and went to God with 2 concerns: what to do about air, and what to do about light. God told him what to do about air, but rather than giving him one specific answer about the light, he instructed him to come up with his own plan. For some reason, I've never really noted any significance to that event. But it's exactly what I need. Growing up Mormon, I tend to have this mindset of black and white, good and bad, righteous and sinful. But there were so many ways he could have had light in the barges; there are so many right answers. It's a nice feeling to know that the "straight and narrow" isn't so straight or narrow. Sometimes it forks off, sometimes it loops around, and going one way may be just as right as going another.

Oh, BYU criminals

This gem was in the police beat in today's Daily Universe:

"Construction workers called BYU police when they discovered that several orange cones where missing from their construction site at Deseret Towers. Upon investigation, BYU police discovered that the cones were being used by a group of students for a Frisbee game on DT field."

Only at BYU is criminal mischief associated with Frisbee.

I'm pretty sure that reading the police beat is my favorite part of the week.

...And yes, it was delicious

So I came home from a really crappy day today, and I started looking for something to eat for dinner. I opened the fridge, and found that my roommate (who works at a pizza place) left me this:

So yeah, that basically made my day about 347429832749 times better.

Closed doors

I have two roommates who share a room, and they always go back there, close the door, and talk. Now, not that any of what they're talking about is any of my business, but a closed door is a pretty strong implication that whatever conversation is going on behind it doesn't concern anyone else on the other side.

So basically thinking about my roommates' closed door, I've come to realize that, metaphorically speaking at least, I'm on the other side of a lot of peoples' closed doors. There are so many people that I'd love to have discussions with and share ideas and secrets with, but they've all invited other people to their side of their closed doors. I have all of these acquaintances and friends with whom I only have superficial conversations. I've forgotten what it feels like to be genuinely close to someone.

I'm left alone, waiting for someone to open their door and invite me in.

Quitting work

So I've finally decided that my last day of work is April 15, which is the last day of class. Half of me really just wants to quit this job, and the other half actually knows I need the time off to study for/take finals. 7 finals + job = no bueno.

Being a medical receptionist seriously sucks sometimes. 90 % of the time it's fine; the patients are nice and the doctors aren't rude. But it seems like everyday someone feels the need to be a jerk to me because of something either out of my control or because of an honest mistake I made. I'm sorry we don't have any appointments today, please don't get mad at me. I'm sorry I forgot to give your patient your paperwork, I'm doing/thinking about 34923480 things at once.

But 3 more weeks of doing this, so whatever. I'll live.

Procrastination at its finest

I have a 2000 word essay due on Wednesday over a 250 page book.

Have I started the essay? No.

Have I read the book? About 40 pages.

Somehow I manage to get myself into these situations, but I always manage to get myself out (with a high B to go along with them).

Today was the first day this semester I walked to work without a jacket. Yes, 7 AM in Provo, Utah without a jacket. Sure I was freezing, but I won't let the weather win. It got into the 60's today, which was very, very nice. I'm afraid I'm catching myself wanting to skip class to take naps in the grass lately.

4 1/2 more weeks of class. Then I'm done with freshman year, and most of my general ed. I'm pretty sure I'm doing American Heritage online over the summer. Its $400, but my parents offered to pay half, so I think its worth not having to take the classroom version and count on the curve to keep me from failing. That leaves 6 credit hours of religion, then everything else is covered by my major/minor classes. Rad.

(I think I ramble too much. I should probably be reading that book...)