Friday, March 28, 2008

Waking up

I've always had a lot of questions about my religion. Some questions I've worked up the courage to ask, and others have never left the security of my mind. A lot of the latter have spent enough time up there for me to work out answers for (which, most of the time, ultimately results in more questions). Sometimes this process makes me feel more focused on religion than spirituality, the doctrine more than the message. I end up feeling burnt out, like there will never be and end to my questions. But then something will come along and wake me up spiritually. Something will come along to remind me why I still believe the things that I do, and why I don't believe the things I don't. I recently saw the movie Water, and it wasn't so much like my spirit was awaken, but more like my spirit was dumped with ice water, drank a couple of Cokes, and ran a 10k. I've never felt like I related more to a character in a movie in my life than I do to Shakuntala. She spends her life as a widow wanting to be content with the traditions that she hates so much. She wants to be at peace with the life that she doesn't understand why she was put in. She wants to be a devout Hindu woman, but despises everything it entails. Then at the end, you have the same realization she has; it isn't about traditions or doctrines. It's about connecting your Spirit with God and with the Spirits of others. It's about Truth, and the pursuit of.

"But what if your conscience conflicts with your faith?"

In my Book of Mormon class, we went over the part in Ether where the brother of Jared was bulding the barges, and went to God with 2 concerns: what to do about air, and what to do about light. God told him what to do about air, but rather than giving him one specific answer about the light, he instructed him to come up with his own plan. For some reason, I've never really noted any significance to that event. But it's exactly what I need. Growing up Mormon, I tend to have this mindset of black and white, good and bad, righteous and sinful. But there were so many ways he could have had light in the barges; there are so many right answers. It's a nice feeling to know that the "straight and narrow" isn't so straight or narrow. Sometimes it forks off, sometimes it loops around, and going one way may be just as right as going another.

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