Cephas

It's been about 2 1/2 years since I learned that Joseph Smith shot 3 people before he died. Learning this sent me down a path of discovering more under-the-cover Church history that entirely shook my faith. Luckily, I was able to find resources like Sunstone, Mormon Stories, and various blogs that helped me navigate the waters of re-figuring out what I believed religiously and spiritually. I feel like I've found solid ground again. Still with a testimony of Christ, His teachings, and His Church, but perhaps with a bit more sarcastic, self-deprecating, genuine foundation. There are plenty of things that I struggle with (ask me about polygamy in the Celestial Kingdom, and I'll tell you about how the idea of love is completely ruined for me), but I find so much comfort in the words of Peter.

At the end of John 6, after Christ gave the Bread of Life sermon, John writes that many of His disciples "walked no more with Him." Christ then looked at His apostles and asked them if they were going to leave Him, too. Peter, acting as the spokesman for the 12, could have just said, "no, we're staying with you." Rather, he says something so beautiful, so profound: "Lord, to whom shall we go?"

Peter's response so concisely, yet so eloquently, encompasses exactly how I feel. While my faith constantly takes punches from history, doctrine, and culture, I know that there is nothing else. No organization more perfect, no community so comforting. There is so much beauty, so much truth, so much deep philosophical doctrine in this Church, and I stand with Peter when we ask, "Lord, to whom shall we go?"

Watch this, now

"One would truly need a great and spacious makeup kit to compete with beauty as portrayed in media all around us."

I love you, Elder Holland.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-1993368502337678412&ei=ELVZSaNqlJ77AZPHzPMP&q=killing+us+softly

Finals, home, and next semester

Finals week just about killed me. I did really well on the finals I didn't think I'd do well on, and not-so-great on the ones I thought I'd ace. Oh well, c'est la vie.

I flew home on Thursday. I love being home. Especially since it was 65 degrees yesterday.

I'm taking some pretty sweet classes next semester. I decided that I want to apply to the communications department to major in print journalism (still doing a double major with philosophy). I wanted to do journalism coming into BYU, changed my mind, and recently realized that yes, that's still what I want to do. So I'm taking 3 pre-reqs for the comms department, 1 philosophy class, 1 religion class, and 2 women's studies classes. That along with 2 jobs (Pennyroyal and TA for phil 205/305), teaching Relief Society, and presiding over the vegetarian club. Speaking of which, I have some pretty rad ideas for getting more involvement in the club this semester. I feel like everything is falling into place for this journalism thing, and I feel really good about it, so I'm going for it.

(Although, my hours for the TA lab may/probably will change.)

More than just somewhat of interest

I watched 4 episodes of one of those paranormal research group shows on A&E today, and got thinking about how I used to be really interested in paranormal phenomena, and for some reason, at some point in time, became disinterested. This got me thinking about exorcisms, and realized I've never done any research on exorcism in the LDS Church. So that's how I've spent my night.

I've found some pretty interesting cases of exorcisms, including this one I found from The Juvenile Instructor, which quotes David O. McKay's personal journal from when he was 25:

3 September 1898, Newarthill, Lanarkshire, Scotland: Went to Newarthill to see the young girl [Charlotte] who is sick. Found her in a nervous or spasmodic fit. Brother Orr said she was possessed of evil spirits, and indeed it did appear that such was the case. She would laugh and talk [and] tell the priesthood to go home and not torment her, ask their name, etc. Sometimes she would try to rise out of bed and although she was but a lassie weighing less than 100 pounds, it was all I could do to hold her and put her again in a quiet position. She seemed to be entirely unconscious when in this state. Her eyes were closed, and when she spoke, the sound came from her throat–not a lip moved. Just before regaining consciousness, her body became rigid, her hands clenched so tightly that the nails penetrated the skin, and her whole body–every muscle it seemed–became stiff as a board. She would lie in this state and then awaken, weak and limp, entirely exhausted. These attacks came on every few minutes, each one lasting about five minutes or more. We administered to her and she obtained peace for about an hour and half, during which time she sat up and talked as intelligently as anyone. She had another spell before we left. (We were then fasting for her relief).

4 September 1898: After meeting [in Airdrie] we walked five miles back to Newarthill where, after a forty-eight hour fast, we were going to rebuke the evil power–whatever it was–afflicting the girl. The fast meeting was held in Sister Major’s house. As we entered, Charlotte was suffering from another attack. She had walked from Brother Orr’s–about a quarter or half mile. As the meeting commenced, the attacks became more frequent. One elder had to hold her all the time. These spells continued until after she partook of the sacrament. She then had peace during the meeting until we were about to unite in prayer before administering to her. Just as we began to consecrate the oil, she went into one of these fits–or had another attack. This was a long one. I told the saints (the house was full) that we would all kneel around her and unite with the one who was mouth in prayer. Taking her in my arms, I took a seat in the center of the room. When she regained consciousness, I told her we were all going to pray for her and asked her to unite with us. She feebly answered that she would. Brother Leatham was mouth. At the conclusion she said ‘I can walk now.’

Interesting, n'est pas?

Upon researching this topic, I've come up with some questions: Usually in movies, and in the most famous cases of exorcism, it's a Catholic Priest performing the exorcism, while the person inhabited by some evil force is restrained in some way. The Priest usually uses holy water and the same prayer over and over again. What is the LDS process of exorcism? In the Old and New Testament, when there is a claim that someone is inhabited by an evil spirit, does it mean that that person is just mentally unstable, or does it mean that person is literally possessed? As LDS Doctrine dictates, the only way something can be done in the name of Christ is through the Priesthood, something which members of the LDS Church believe only our Church holds. If this is the case, how have other people of other religions performed exorcisms? Or have they really? If exorcisms in the LDS Church do happen, how often? And why aren't they discussed very much?

Dante Alighieri

"There is no greater pain than to remember, in our present grief, past happiness."
Divine Comedy: Inferno, Canto V, 121-3

I've come to the realization that growing up means learning how to make yourself do things that hurt.

Le Livre de Mormon

I've started reading the Book of Mormon in French. Well, reading a verse in French, figuring out as much as I can, reading it in English, then reading it again in French. It takes me 20 minutes, give or take, to read a chapter. It's a little tedious, but I figure I'll be pretty well-versed on the Book of Mormon (in English and French) by the time I'm done.

I did come across one really interesting thing so far. 1 Nephi 1:9 is a verse talking about Lehi's vision. In it, he says that "he saw One descending out of the midst of Heaven." The One here (purposely capitalized) is referring to Christ. The French translation uses Être in place of One. This is interesting because être is a verb meaning to be. This goes even further because the first-person singular conjugation of être is je suis, or I am. This has to have some connection with one of Christ's titles being the Great I Am.

You learn something new every day.

Home alone

So all of my roommates are at their respective homes for the Thanksgiving break, leaving me by myself in our apartment.

Which, is turning out, totally rocks.

Music without headphones, peeing with the bathroom door open, not feeling any obligation to converse with anyone.

Funny how I feel least lonely when I'm alone.

And there goes the semester...

I really don't want to let this thing die.

So.

This semester has been eventful, to say the least. No longer a math major, but a philosophy major strongly considering a secondary major with linguistics. Why do the things I have to be interested in have very few employment opportunities?

President of BYU Vegetarians. Still not sure exactly what I'm supposed to be doing.

On a personal note, not completely sure if I'm as much of a romantic as I once was. Certain experiences and situations have made me realize love and romance is quite overrated.

2 more weeks left in the semester, then finals, then Christmas. We have the next 3 days off for Thanksgiving break, and I plan on catching up on everything I'm behind in. I'm eating Thanksgiving dinner at my aunt's house. I'm looking forward to seeing family I haven't seen in who knows how many years.

There's so much and so little.

T-Minus 1 week

So I leave for Provo a week from tomorrow. I've been spending my summer working at a colorful little diner called The Purple Cow. I've saved enough money that I won't have to work this semester (yessssss). However, I am taking 17.5 credit hours. I have some plans to do this year differently. I really want to put more effort into making friends, especially with my roommates, the people I go to church with, and all the kids in BYU Democrats and BYU Vegetarians. Not genuinely connecting with anyone last year really weighed hard on me. I also need to get my GPA up. It's sitting right below a 3.3 right now. Only worrying about class and not work should help me with that. I think I've finally decided on a schedule:

• MATH 112H; Honors Calculus I : MTWThF 10:00 - 10:50
• MATH 190; Fundamentals of Mathematics : MWF 12:00 - 12:50
• PHIL 201; History of Philosophy I : MWF 11:00 - 11:50
• PHIL 305; Predicate Logic : MWF 4:00 -4:50
• RELA 211; New Testament : TTh 1:00 - 1:50
• RELA 327; Pearl of Great Price : TTh 9:00 - 9:50
  
• WS 392R; Women's Studies Colloquium : Th 12:00 - 12:50

Pretty freakin sweet.

Oh, and by the way, I'm trying to keep my mind off of how ridiculously crushed I will be because of the fact that this might be the last week I'll see my best friend/boyfriend for another 2 1/2 (or so) years because he's leaving on a mission sometime in the next few months. I'm talking stomach-turning, legs-giving-out, snot-running-down-your-face-crying, overwhelmingly desperate kind of crushed. Yeah, not trying to think about that so much.

Oh by the way...

I'm not dead. I think this blog is just a school year thing. I'll start back up again in AugustSeptemberish.

Going home

So I'm sitting in the Denver airport. My flight from Salt Lake to DFW has a layover here, so I'm here for an hour or so. Fun fact: I threw up on the plane here. I made it to the bathroom, so I didn't have to use the barf bag in front of everyone. First time I've ever thrown up on a plane. And you definitely wanted to know that.

Most of my finals went well. Ended up with A's in a few classes. Awesome. I found out that after next semester, I will have enough credits to make me a junior. Rad.

Brad and I are going to eat at Freebirds on Saturday with the missionaries. This is the longest I've gone without seeing him. Definitely looking forward to tonight.

Thank you Douglass Adams

(This is more of a note to myself than anything else...)

Today: Work 8-12; study for bio final; take bio final; read and annotate 2 anthro articles; finish citations for 1st anthro paper; study for philo final (proofs, venn diagrams, truth tables); finish rel 261 study guide; pack stuff to mail home UPS; laundry; study for hepe final; go to post office; pack

Saturday: Take hepe final; read and annotate 1 anthro article; start 2nd anthro paper; go over stdev study guide; study for philo final (history and vocab); Go to UPS; pack

Sunday: Church 10:40-1:30; study for bom final; study for rel 261 final; work on anthro paper; pack

Monday: Take stdev final (11 AM in classroom); take rel 261 final; finish anthro paper; turn in both anthro papers; study for philo final; study for bom final; pack

Tuesday: Take philo final (7 PM in classroom); work 8-10:45; pack and clean

Wednesday: Take bom final (11 AM in classroom); pack and clean; anthro papers due at 5; check out

Thursday: GO HOME

General to do: Ask RA about when/how I should check out; buy smaller box to mail home; buy packing tape; make sure I'm being picked up Thursday morning; finish resume to apply for jobs; don't panic

So...

I've come to the realization that the reason why the whole cereal thing is so upsetting to me is because I'm surrounded by people who honestly don't give a damn about me. The cereal was just, as they say, the straw that broke the camel's back.

Fall classes

So for the first time in 3 semesters, I got all of the classes I need. Radfreakingtastic.

Math 112H - Honors Calculus I, MTWThF, 10:00 am - 10:50 am
Phil 201 - History of Philosophy I, MWF, 11:00 am - 11:50 am
Math 190 - Fundamentals of Mathematics, MWF, 12:00 pm - 12:50 pm
Phil 305 - Predicate Logic, MWF, 4:00 pm-4:50 pm
Rel A 211 - New Testament, TTh, 9:00 am - 9:50 am
Ws 392R - Women's Studies Colloquium, Th, 12:00 pm - 12:50 pm
Music 311R - University Chorale, TTh, 4:00 pm - 5:30 pm

General rantings

So I went to the grocery store Thursday night and bought a box of cereal big enough to last me the rest of the semester (we have about a week and a half left). I had a bowl of cereal Friday morning, Monday morning, and this morning. I came home from class today to find about 5 pieces cereal left left.

All 3 of my roommates responded with, "I only had a little bit!"

1) It's my cereal. I bought it. Even a little bit is too much for you to have. Especially without asking.

2) All 3 of you eating a little bit adds up to ALL OF IT BEING GONE

It's snowing today, so if I want to eat breakfast tomorrow, I get to walk 15 minutes to Albertson's to buy more. And cereal is expensive.

Dear roommates,

I really appreciate you feeling entitled to my food. It just gives me the warm fuzzies knowing that someone is using something I walked to the store and bought. I just love the fact that now, I get to buy more cereal. I'm walking to the store spending money when I shouldn't have to. Thanks for doing the polite thing and accusing me of overreacting when you were the ones who ate my food, rather than offering to buy me more.

Love you guys! I'm really gunna miss you this summer.

Burn and rot.

Love, Shelley

Inevitably

Since this is my last Monday working at the Student Health Center, of course I would be put by myself for an hour at Urgent Care reception (On a Monday morning), of course 15 people would check in in the first 20 minutes, and of course my computer would decide to stop working.

2 more days of class and 4 more days of work. 6 finals and 2 papers. Then I'll be home.

Usual Saturday

Yesterday morning I woke up with the motivation to get an early start on studying for finals. I made a list of everything I wanted to study, put everything I needed in my backpack, and walked to campus. I went to the 1st floor of the HBLL, found a secluded corner, spread out my materials, and proceeded to play Sudoku for half an hour. I then packed up, decided to take a break and go to Subway, and come back to study. I walked to Subway, and they were out of bread. Rather than go back to study, I got on the bus and went home.

I did nothing productive in the least bit yesterday.

Just thought you should know...

Haagen Dazs chocolate peanut butter ice cream is SO GOOD.

The next 5 years

So I'm petitioning to double major this fall in philosophy and mathematics with a minor in women's studies.

I'm weirded out/excited.

Bad things for good things

So as I was walking to work this morning, I realized how that particular task is something that I do not enjoy, even in the least bit. If it were entirely up to me, I would not wake up at 5:45 am, walk a mile uphill to work in the cold, then get yelled at by sick college kids and their moms for 4 hours. So why do I do it?

Oh yeah, so I can get paid. There's incentive.

Brad and I have a picnic planned for the Saturday after I get home. We're going to Spiral Diner (best vegan/organic food you'll ever have in your life), getting a Hot Hummus Wrap and Savory Seitan Wrap, going to this park we always go to (not so much a park as it is a bunch of trees and a lake), eating the massive amounts of deliciousness, then taking a nap. I really can't think of any better thing to do when I get home.

2 more weeks, and I'll be on my way to the Salt Lake airport. This time tonight in 2 weeks, I'll probably be hanging out with Brad and my family.

Sometimes going through all the bad crap makes the good stuff seem so much better.

Stuck

I'm stuck in between who I used to be and who I'm trying to be (or maybe inevitably going to be despite my attempts to either go towards or stay away from). Who I am isn't simply such in itself. I'm not anything right now.

The future freaks me out

I plan ahead way too much, and I feel like I keep living in the future. It seems like I measure my accomplishments on how closely things work out to whatever my plan is; I'll only be happy once everything fits. But because I keep making more and more plans, nothing ever seems to fit. I tell myself now that once I get accepted to the visual arts department, I'll be happy. Once this semester ends, I'll be happy. Once I graduate, I'll be happy. Once Brad gets home from his mission, I'll be happy.

I feel like I've wasted my freshman year because I spent all of it planning for what's next, instead of enjoying what's now.

But seriously, once this semester is over, I'll be happy.

Writing

I wish I were a better writer. Well, I guess I wish I wrote more in general. I think I have a lot to write about, but I never really have the patience to figure out how to write it, and sometimes it's hard for me to put it in the context of, well, words. I subscribed to the dictionary.com word of the day a few weeks ago. I think I realized I did that in hopes of finding some magical word to describe everything I want to say. This anathema has left me with these acrid, acerbic emotions, causing me great repining for syntax that ceases the misnomers I've constructed for a myriad of these nefarious feelings; I'm left indolent, with but only my rodomontade.

...no, not so much. Maybe dictionary.com will send me something useful.

Dear snow, leave.

It's almost April, and it is snowing. What is that crap. My roommates and I put on our swimsuits to try to remind ourselves that, yes, summer does exist. But then our doings eventually turned into a conversation of how fat we are. Most things we do together end up like that.

General ramblings

So I feel way too lazy to type well-organized paragraphs...

• I went to the mall last night with my roommates, and spent $60. Yeah, I know. But I haven't gone shopping this entire year (with the exception of grocery shopping), so whatevs. I got 3 bottles of Bath and Body Works body spray (Wild Honeysuckle, Coconut Lime Verbena, and Black Raspberry Vanilla), and 5 undershirts from Forever 21 and Shade. I've always been obsessed with undershirts, and I'm now becoming obsessed with those super long high neck cut stretchy ones.

• We saw I Am Legend at the dollar movie. Not too great, but whatevs. I like the alternate ending much better.
• I've been thinking about how awesome my tuition is. Seriously, there are a few things about BYU that I wouldn't mind changing, but studying here for $2000 a semester is not one of them
• I wanted to go to the Festival of Colors today, but I have a huge project that needs to be done before Monday. Poop.
  

Waking up

I've always had a lot of questions about my religion. Some questions I've worked up the courage to ask, and others have never left the security of my mind. A lot of the latter have spent enough time up there for me to work out answers for (which, most of the time, ultimately results in more questions). Sometimes this process makes me feel more focused on religion than spirituality, the doctrine more than the message. I end up feeling burnt out, like there will never be and end to my questions. But then something will come along and wake me up spiritually. Something will come along to remind me why I still believe the things that I do, and why I don't believe the things I don't. I recently saw the movie Water, and it wasn't so much like my spirit was awaken, but more like my spirit was dumped with ice water, drank a couple of Cokes, and ran a 10k. I've never felt like I related more to a character in a movie in my life than I do to Shakuntala. She spends her life as a widow wanting to be content with the traditions that she hates so much. She wants to be at peace with the life that she doesn't understand why she was put in. She wants to be a devout Hindu woman, but despises everything it entails. Then at the end, you have the same realization she has; it isn't about traditions or doctrines. It's about connecting your Spirit with God and with the Spirits of others. It's about Truth, and the pursuit of.

"But what if your conscience conflicts with your faith?"

In my Book of Mormon class, we went over the part in Ether where the brother of Jared was bulding the barges, and went to God with 2 concerns: what to do about air, and what to do about light. God told him what to do about air, but rather than giving him one specific answer about the light, he instructed him to come up with his own plan. For some reason, I've never really noted any significance to that event. But it's exactly what I need. Growing up Mormon, I tend to have this mindset of black and white, good and bad, righteous and sinful. But there were so many ways he could have had light in the barges; there are so many right answers. It's a nice feeling to know that the "straight and narrow" isn't so straight or narrow. Sometimes it forks off, sometimes it loops around, and going one way may be just as right as going another.

Oh, BYU criminals

This gem was in the police beat in today's Daily Universe:

"Construction workers called BYU police when they discovered that several orange cones where missing from their construction site at Deseret Towers. Upon investigation, BYU police discovered that the cones were being used by a group of students for a Frisbee game on DT field."

Only at BYU is criminal mischief associated with Frisbee.

I'm pretty sure that reading the police beat is my favorite part of the week.

...And yes, it was delicious

So I came home from a really crappy day today, and I started looking for something to eat for dinner. I opened the fridge, and found that my roommate (who works at a pizza place) left me this:

So yeah, that basically made my day about 347429832749 times better.

Closed doors

I have two roommates who share a room, and they always go back there, close the door, and talk. Now, not that any of what they're talking about is any of my business, but a closed door is a pretty strong implication that whatever conversation is going on behind it doesn't concern anyone else on the other side.

So basically thinking about my roommates' closed door, I've come to realize that, metaphorically speaking at least, I'm on the other side of a lot of peoples' closed doors. There are so many people that I'd love to have discussions with and share ideas and secrets with, but they've all invited other people to their side of their closed doors. I have all of these acquaintances and friends with whom I only have superficial conversations. I've forgotten what it feels like to be genuinely close to someone.

I'm left alone, waiting for someone to open their door and invite me in.

Quitting work

So I've finally decided that my last day of work is April 15, which is the last day of class. Half of me really just wants to quit this job, and the other half actually knows I need the time off to study for/take finals. 7 finals + job = no bueno.

Being a medical receptionist seriously sucks sometimes. 90 % of the time it's fine; the patients are nice and the doctors aren't rude. But it seems like everyday someone feels the need to be a jerk to me because of something either out of my control or because of an honest mistake I made. I'm sorry we don't have any appointments today, please don't get mad at me. I'm sorry I forgot to give your patient your paperwork, I'm doing/thinking about 34923480 things at once.

But 3 more weeks of doing this, so whatever. I'll live.

Procrastination at its finest

I have a 2000 word essay due on Wednesday over a 250 page book.

Have I started the essay? No.

Have I read the book? About 40 pages.

Somehow I manage to get myself into these situations, but I always manage to get myself out (with a high B to go along with them).

Today was the first day this semester I walked to work without a jacket. Yes, 7 AM in Provo, Utah without a jacket. Sure I was freezing, but I won't let the weather win. It got into the 60's today, which was very, very nice. I'm afraid I'm catching myself wanting to skip class to take naps in the grass lately.

4 1/2 more weeks of class. Then I'm done with freshman year, and most of my general ed. I'm pretty sure I'm doing American Heritage online over the summer. Its $400, but my parents offered to pay half, so I think its worth not having to take the classroom version and count on the curve to keep me from failing. That leaves 6 credit hours of religion, then everything else is covered by my major/minor classes. Rad.

(I think I ramble too much. I should probably be reading that book...)

Things to keep in mind when speaking with a medical receptionist

After working in 2 seperate medical clinics as a receptionist for almost a year, I've decided to compile a list of things that patients do that annoy the crap out of us (or me, at least).

1. When we say we don't have any appointments available until a specific date, that's what we mean. We don't mean that an appointment will magically show up today if you ask us a million times.
2. We are receptionists. We are not doctors. We are not nurses. If you have a medical question, either make an appointment or ask to speak with a nurse.
3. We try to be as nice and accomidating as humanly possible, but we don't want to convenience you to the point of us getting in trouble.
4. Sometimes doctors run behind. Sorry, but they do. All we can do is ask the nurse if the computers aren't connecting or if the doctor is actually behind. There's nothing else we can do.
5. When you miss your appointment and don't bother to call and cancel, that's a spot where we could have put someone else. Thanks for being considerate.
6. Don't talk to us like we're stupid. Don't lie to us and expect us to believe it either.
7. We understand being sick sucks, and not being able to get in to see a doctor for a few days sucks too, but please don't take it out on us. We do the best we can, and it's a pretty crappy feeling when someone gets angry at you for something completely out of your control.

So, a blog

Maybe since I lack a social life/never write in my journal, it would be a good idea to keep a blog. Who knows, maybe my kids will stumble upon this one day and think about how weird I was (and probably still will be).

I've tried doing topic-specific blogs before, but they've never really worked out. So we'll see what happens with this one.

Anyway.

Maybe I'll start with today. Worked four hours (BYU Student Health Center receptionist), class four hours (Deductive Logic, Lifestyle Management, Intro to Anthropology, Intro to Biology), came home, had a huge salad for dinner (spinach leaves were on sale for $1.99, can I get a what-what), and a whole pint of Ben and Jerry's (New York Super Fudge Chunk, for the record)

I have homework to do, but it can probably wait until tomorrow.